5 Ways to Create a Unique Family Culture

I loved going over to my friends’ houses when I was a kid, riding home on the bus with them or spending time in their home on a Saturday.  Some friends I visited occasionally, and a few I visited more frequently – getting to know their families, their grandparents, getting to know the rules of their homes, the rhythm of their family.

Some homes were loud while others were quiet. Some families lingered around the dinner table together and others ate in shifts as people were passing through.  None of this really mattered to me as a kid.  I noticed the differences, of course.  I knew that we would have to sit quietly until the after dinner devotions were read in one friend’s home while we were free come go at another friend’s, but I never though much about it.

Without even realizing, I was beginning to recognize family culture.  I was beginning to understand what each family valued, where they drew their lines, how they spent their time and what they prioritized in their home.

It wasn’t until I stepped out of my own home, the one culture I always knew, that I began to understand how each home, each family, has their own unique way of doing things, their unique family culture.

Later in life, when I began to set up a house of my own, I quickly learned how much freedom we have in developing that culture.

A family may spend their evenings watching movies or television together.  They are developing a family culture.  They may spend time outdoors, camping and hiking, framing their family culture. They may play hours of board games or read books aloud, they are forming their culture.  A family may be messy or tidy, loud or quiet, and it slowly becomes their family culture.  Wake up early, stay up late, embrace traditions, enjoy leisure, value work, play up the holidays or ignore them all together – everything we do or don’t do on a repeated basis, becomes part of our family culture.

Have you ever stopped to think about that?  Have you ever paused to think about the culture in your home?

Have you ever been in a home where everyone speaks fairly quietly?  It’s not because their voices aren’t capable of the sound that others’ are (well, I guess that is possible, but not likely) it’s because that is the habit they have set in their home, the parents have set the standard for quiet.

Now, I’m not saying one is better than the other.  My house probably tends to the louder side of things. But it is important to realize that you a) have a choice and b) are choosing.  Whether you have thought about it or not, you are choosing.  You are choosing to allow the loud.  You are choosing to ignore the holidays, you are choosing to prioritize sports or evenings home or entertaining guests regularly or not.  By your repeated action or inaction, you are choosing.

This is a pretty great discussion to be having with your spouse if you have one – maybe even your kids, as well.

How would you define our home?  Looking at the way we run our schedule, our days, our weeks, looking at how we handle conflict, at how we celebrate, at how we spend our free time – how would you define what is important to us? Does that match with what we value?  

 

If you need a little help getting started, here are 5 ways to create a unique family culture in your home.

1. Realize you have one.

This is more pivotal than you might think.  We can’t be intentional about anything until we realize we have the ability to affect change.  You have the ability, with concerted effort, to form and shape the culture of your home.  Your family comes with different personalities, different talents and interests, but you have the unique opportunity to fold those ingredients in, to mold and shape that mix into a culture all its own.

2. Define what is important to you.

Maybe it’s hard work or selflessness, maybe it’s leadership or valuing relationships.  Maybe it’s living out your faith, appreciating the arts, embracing spontaneity, or valuing education.  All of those less tangible values can be lived out in very tangible ways but you have to first define your priorities.

3. Choose specific and tangible ways to consistently instill what matters to you.

If a family culture of books is important to you but you don’t devote much time to reading, something is missing, right?  If serving is important to you, figure out areas where your family can serve.  If rest is important to you, decide how you can dictate your schedule, limit activities, so your lives, your home, aligns with your priorities.

4. Be consistent.

If you get all excited, overhaul your calendar and sign your family up for a new schedule you cannot maintain you have done nothing but set yourself up for discouragement.  Instead start small and add gradually.  Last fall I began studying hymns with my kids.  This week we added training in apologetics.  I want to be intentional about what we are learning together as it relates to our faith,  but developing family culture is a marathon not a sprint.  Only add what you can maintain consistently.  Unless of course your goals is to have a family culture of inconsistency. 😃

5. Embrace grace.

I know it sounds a bit cliche, but it’s true.  Particularly when your kids are young or if you are just now moving to a more intentional approach, give your kids, your family, and yourself grace in the shaping and forming.  During the holidays, we shifted our hymn study to traditional carols and the photo below is what my kids felt compelled to do during Angels We Have Heard on High.  They circled the room like hooligans while belting out their glorias.  This is not how I pictured families studying hymns together.  Not even close.  But I bit my tongue and let them enjoy the carol, in their own way.  Each day this looks a bit different, but each day I pray for grace to throw down another stone in their foundation, the foundation that is becoming our family culture.

Last but not least, one awesome way to begin intentionally developing your family culture is to learn from the best and I can’t think of anyone better than Sally Clarkson and her latest book The Lifegiving Home: Creating a Place of Belonging and Becoming (affiliate link).  Short of the Bible, Sally’s books have influenced my life as a wife, mother, educator, and keeper of my home more than anything else I have read.  That is no small statement.

I have a friend that loves preparing a good meal.  She truly enjoys food and flavor, exploring new cookbooks and new recipes.  Each time I have dinner in her home it’s a treat, not only because of the food and friendship, but because she inspires me to be a better home cook.  Her joy in what she does pours out and it is contagious.

Sally Clarkson is the very same when it comes to creating a home and nurturing every relationship that passes through it.  In The Lifegiving Home she, along with her grown daughter Sarah, cast a vision for generational influence, for developing a heritage and legacy and then month-by-month they set out to give the reader specific, tangible strategies toward achieving just that. They share the rhythms and stories that shaped their own home and pour out heaping spoonfuls of encouragement for readers to begin to do the same in theirs.

 

A family culture is developed by learning from the best and I can’t think of a better place to start than with the Clarksons.  Lucky for us all, The Lifegiving Home as well as the companion Experience Guide, which operates more as a hands-on workbook, releases today and I really can’t recommend it enough.  (Yes, I was fortunate enough to get an advanced copy).  This book has encouraged and inspired me to be even more intentional about creating my own life-giving home.

So there you have it.  Five ways (plus one more!) to create your family culture.  Start the conversation.  Start thinking about what defines your home and begin the work of aligning your moments to match the priorities you have for the precious family God has given you.