Parenting Brave: Loving Your Children Right Where They Are

I was chatting with my mom recently and our conversation somehow turned to her life around 10 or 12 years old, those “not a kid, but not a teenager” years.  Tweens, is what they call them, I guess, although I personally don’t care for the word.

 

Warning:  Minor Detour.  But can we just go there for a minute?

Why do we use the word tween anyway?

At this age when kids are slightly mixed up between big and little, when they are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit into the scheme of things, when they are looking for a place to belong and feel slightly awkward about their changing bodies, slightly angsty about their changing hormones, slightly too big to act little yet slightly too little to be big, right when they begin to feel mixed up and wonder “who am I and where do I fit exactly?”  Can someone tell me why we give them the title of in between?  Why do we affirm that you, child, are in the land of neither?  You don’t really know where you are and neither do I, so we shall just call you in between or ‘tween as it rolls off the tongue a little better.

Friends, I’m not a fan.

I don’t want to speak life to confusion, I want to speak life to value and worth.

How about – you are 11 and that is incredibly awesome.  Yes, sometimes it’s weird. But guess what?  So is 36.  And I’m guessing 52 is as well, because we are all growing and learning and changing.  We’re all trying our best and trying to do better and God is insanely gracious through the mess of it.

So if you are in between, kid, so am I.  I’m learning right along with you.  And in this house we are just going to throw the tween word right out the door, because you are 11.  God has stuff for you at 11.  You are crazy valuable at 11 and 12 and at 19.  There is no in between.  Your life matters right now and so does mine.  So we are going to live it brave at every age.

It turns out that doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as easily as ‘tween, but if we tell our kids that words matter then I am pretty sure we could be making a better choice there.  No?

Okay, rant over.

 

Anyhow, my mom comes from a family of six kids.  She was more of the shy and quiet type as a child and while she had good parents, she felt a little lost in the mix in those formative years.  The seeds of insecurity were germinating in a fertile ground.  Not a rare and unusual circumstance.

Around the age of 12 or so, she got to take an out-of-state road trip with her 4-H group, which landed her in the front seat of a car with a driver she barely knew.  But that driver took notice of her, saw her.  That driver took an interest in who she was and talked to her like she mattered.  That driver poured undiluted confidence straight in to my mom’s heart – confidence that still resonates half a century later.

That’s powerful, isn’t it?

This weekend I spent a couple days with a group of 4th-7th grade girls.  I was in charge of leading them in devotions over the weekend, helping them understand prayer and worship and the Word.

It was a different audience than I have become accustomed to speaking to.  I don’t even have a 4th-7th grade daughter so I struggled a bit to think of where they were, what the world looked like to them, how much they were ready for and what I really wanted them to know.

But as I began to spend time with them, watch them do their crafts, sat by them during lunch, and listened in on their conversations, I realized, they needed me to be that driver from my mom’s 4-H road trip.  They longed to be seen and heard and valued.  They wanted to know they matter and that their awkward is okay and that their growing and learning is beautiful.

I left this weekend realizing that this stage of life is so incredibly valuable.  What an amazing opportunity to pour life into these girls’ hearts when they are so open and vulnerable, searching and hungry.  What a gift to help them cultivate confidence at such a pivotal time for them, to help them realize their worth and understand their value.

But here is the thing that really hit me when I returned home:  I have an 11 year old son – an 11 year old son who comes from a good home.  But I don’t always see him the way I saw those girls this weekend.

As much as I hate admitting it, sometimes I see him as a project.

I know his inadequacies and weaknesses and as a parent who is trying to do a good job, a parent who wants to raise well-rounded adults who are generous and kind and know better than to leave dirty laundry on the bedroom floor (do you feel me, mamas?), I really work to fix those things.

Most of the girls I was with this weekend, I knew nothing about them.  I didn’t know their history or their shortcomings.  I didn’t know if they are often rude to their siblings, if they are short tempered, if they are disrespectful to their parents or if they can’t maintain a clean bedroom to save their lives.  In not knowing their weaknesses and faults, they were never a project to me.  I simply saw them and loved them and did my best to encourage them right where they were.

Look, I don’t want to minimize our job as parents.  It’s hard and these kids of ours do need training and shaping and forming.  But sometimes I think we over-focus on that as parents.  I know I do.  I think we laser target, we zoom in seeking to edit and delete and fix, to the point that we are taring down more than we are building up.

Our children’s weaknesses and inadequacies taint our perception of them and our prideful heart see those weaknesses as a reflection of ourselves.  Ouch.

Man, I’m glad God doesn’t love me like that.  You too?  What a gift that God doesn’t feel exhausted by what a mess I am and how awfully I represent Him at times.

 

Friends, above anything else our kids need to know they are valued.  Without performance or perfection, your children need to know they are wildly loved and valued by you and by their Creator.

All those glaring character flaws you see in your kids – what if we trained them a little more slowly and gracefully?  What if we prayed for them a little more fervently?  And what if we really began to trust God to make up the difference?

I’m pretty sure parenting brave looks like having faith that He who has began a good work in you will [and your children] will complete it.  (Philippians 1:6)

Build up those kids that God gave you, friends.  Be as patient with them as He is with us.  Keeping gently teaching and growing them, but see the good.  Affirm the best.  And trust God with rest.