My son was five and all registered for kindergarten in the fall. We were following the educational route we always assumed we would lead our children down. A private Christian school, our alma mater even.
But then something changed. Nothing cataclysmic, just a few lingering questions…what ifs.
What if we did something different? What if we took a different road? We had seen it done poorly and we had seen it done very well. So what gives? And ultimately, could we really pull it off?
To say the thought of it all gave me butterflies would be a gross understatement. It felt more like a huge hawk, a giant eagle maybe, flapping his powerful wings around and brining on sweeping waves of nauseas doubt and then courageous excitement. You know that feeling right? Every mother knows that feeling at some point.
You should know I’m oversimplifying. I read every book I could get my hands on, grilled any mom I considered a pro, worried and prayed and then prayed and worried a little more.
Sometimes my brave is the messy, clenched fist, fingernails digging in, kind of brave. I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all?
But here is what I did not know. I did not know that choosing that brave yes would not completely send the butterflies, or hawks, away. Sure, they disappeared momentarily, but they come back at times. And they reappear as a mutated version of their original selves.
Garbed in hope and possibility originally, now they come robed in doubt.
Is this really the best decision for my family? Really the best curriculum? The best co-op? Am I really equipped or even qualified to pull this off? What was I thinking???
Can you see how this isn’t really about homeschooling? Often times, brave decisions aren’t one and done. Resistance will come. Comparison will come. Doubt will come.
It doesn’t matter if you are stepping out into a new career field, moving across the country or simply making a brave phone call, when the results of your brave bring resistance, doubt will pour through the cracks in the wall.
Sometimes brave looks like plugging the leaks.
Plug the leaks by reminding yourself why you are here. Plug the leaks by resisting comparison and following the route you have charted, the route you have prayed about, the route God has for your family, your life.
Doubt will rise. Fear will charge hard. Brave is never just one step. It’s continual hope, perpetual courage, small yet constant, stepping.
For me I find the hardest arena to fight this in is my life as mom. My hardest brave, my hardest doubts, they well up and pool, right there in motherhood. I can put myself out there, risk falling on my face, crash and burn even, and survive. But the kids that God has given me? These children that have my heart? I want to give them my very best. I really don’t want to mess them up. I worry, faithlessly, as if it were all in my control.
As a mom, I’m learning this – the bravest thing I will ever do is to take this heavy load of motherhood and offer it all up to God.
These kids, their education, their activities and plans and dreams, their very lives – God they are yours. I am beyond blessed to play a part in their lives. I will never be enough, but You will. You are. You always will be. Mothering brave looks like trusting You – with them, with the future and with my fragile and weary heart. Please help me to lead them as I learn to follow. And give me the courage to know that You are in all of this, every step of the way.
Choose brave friends. And then, keep choosing it.
There are so many beautiful things to be learning on this journey. And I’m learning them right along with you.
Katie, thanks for this post. I think doubt is a powerful dark cloud that follows us as long as we allow it. I couldn’t agree with you more about having the biggest fear to mess up my kid. I’m inspired by your faith and your courage to hand your worries to God. Thanks for sharing!
What a great visual, Mayra. It certainly it a doubt cloud…that we allow. I’m honored to be choosing brave right beside you. <3
I’m still not sure I want to choose brave. This is an ongoing struggle as the curriculum for this year is starting to show up at the post office. This is the start of year two of the brave. One starting second grade and one starting 7th, and feeling like I have to completely start over with the one in seventh because of the 5 he spent in public school. I never ever ever wanted this for my life EVER!! The brave for me was being obedient to the Holy Spirit as multiple times He highlighted for me that I or rather my husband and I should train them in the way they should go. That doesn’t always only mean through a life with Christ. Every new day is a new brave!! Thank you Katie.
“Every new day is a new brave”, I love those words Niki. But there isn’t a better place to be if we seek to keep placing our trust in Him. Lean in and keep praying, you got this!
Love this!! I have read and enjoyed several of your posts but actually didn’t realize you were fellow homeschoolers till this one!! We left our local schools just a year ago and started this crazy homeschool journey with our four kids. Choosing brave is a great description of it. It was so, so scary to leave what we knew. And I really struggled to explain our families choices to others. We are a year and a half in and so glad we followed our hearts. This for this beautiful description!
We made some new friends camping last weekend and I was surprised when I learned they homeschooled too. And then I wondered “Why was that so surprising? Lots of people do this!” 🙂 Wishing you the best as you keep stepping into this brave adventure with your family. It certainly has been an unexpected and yet beautiful blessing for us.
Great read! We chose brave when we homeschooled years ago. We chose brave again when we put them in public school later. Then again when high school just wasn’t working. One went to early college and one went to a different school. As moms we really have to keep our eyes in Jesus and pray pray pray. Today I am trying hard to be brave as my oldest prepares to leave the next to finish college. Boy is this a tough one but I know Jesus has for his best interests at heart. Praise the Lord!
Sabrina, this is such wisdom. Brave does not mean homeschooling. Brave absolutely means seeking God’s will for your family and then stepping into it. I love that that has looked all kinds of different ways for you. And I can’t even wrap my brain around that whole leaving for college bit. Praying for grace and courage for you in the hard and beautiful days ahead. <3
Katie, I’m nodding my head right along with you. I wish brave would just happen overnight with one decision; instead it’s found in the deliberate choices we make every day. Not glamorous but beautiful and strong nonetheless.
Keep choosing brave, my friend!
So very true, Marva! Thanks so much for your continual encouragement. I appreciate you!