Growing up my mom had a consistent rule, we don’t leave for vacation with a messy home. The parameters of the “vacation” were rather flexible, the terms of a clean home however, were not. It didn’t matter if it was a long weekend, a camping trip, a big summer vacation or a quick overnighter – the house had to be clean.
I hated that rule.
I remember being so excited to get out the door, so anxious to get in the car and my mom was directing us around the house to put one more pair of shoes away or straighten the couch cushions or fold that stray blanket while she was buzzing about vacuuming or making sure the kitchen was orderly.
She always said it was worth the effort to return home to a tidy house. I never quite understood that – until I had a home of my own. And, of course, she was right. Returning to a tidy home really is a pretty fabulous greeting.
Last month in preparing for our vacation, I started packing early. I strategized the best method for packing the kids’ clothes. I tried hard to be prepared and organized, leaving only a handful of things to pack the evening/morning before.
Except, the evening before we were to leave, I got sick. Somehow a stomach bug came on in a hurry and I felt absolutely awful. If you read about our vacation, you know this was the beginning of one huge downhill slide, but at that point I only knew I had to be up at 4:30am to herd my family on a plane, I had a few things left to pack and I felt awful.
I decided the wisest thing to do was to try and sleep it off. I reasoned that it would be better to wake up earlier in the morning than to try to get my stuff done while curled up in the fetal position feeling horrible.
So I went to bed. And couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned all night only to get up at 4 am to finish the packing. This vacation was destined for success from the very start.
I’m sure you can guess what 4 am looked like. Organized and prepared packing was gone. I was half awake throwing things in a suitcase, sleepy-eyed, tossing treats in kids’ backpacks, whatever it took to just get it done and get out the door.
And my bedroom, was a mess. A pile of empty treat boxes over here, clothes that didn’t make the cut over there, the last basket of laundry that never got folded sitting on the floor. A mess.
It haunted me the entire trip. In my rational mama mind I told myself not to worry about it, life happens, it could be cleaned up when we got home. Even my mom would give me a pass on this one. But still, I kind of felt like I failed because I didn’t leave my house tidy.
It’s interesting how much power my mother’s training has over me, all of these years later. I left home 17 years ago – I’ve almost lived away from my parents as long as I lived with them – yet my mom’s voice still plays in my head at times. Somewhere deep, almost subconscious, my mom’s words shape my reflexes, effect my thinking, sway my decisions.
Thankfully, I was blessed with a great mom and her influence serves me well. But I’ve talked with a few ladies lately that have had more challenges with that mom voice.
There is the mom who, in her own insecurity, passed body image issues on to her daughter, carefully monitoring her weight and eating habits. Her eyes sized up her daughter constantly, before she even spoke the words. That daughter struggles 25 years later with her mom’s voice in her head thinking she is not quite thin enough.
There is the mom who defined worth by achievement and pushed her children to work relentlessly. That daughter, so many years later, can still hear her mama’s voice saying she is not doing enough, that she needs to push harder.
There is that mama who placed high importance on appearance and fashion and bred that into her daughters as well. That daughter still hears her mama’s voice in the back of her head on bad hair days and struggles more as she ages, wondering if she is enough.
I’m not saying these were bad mamas. Sometimes, as children, we take our parents best intentions and hear something completely different. My mom would have never faulted me for leaving my house untidy last month, but still her words had an effect on me.
So what does this mean for us as we are laying down foundation and becoming the voice in the heads of our little people?
Here are 5 ways to Speak Life into your children:
- Choose Your Words Carefully. Whether it feels like it or not, the words we speak to our children cut deep. What we tell them now is the inner voice they will hear years and years after they leave our homes. It is the inner voice they will hear when they begin to manage their own home and begin their own family. Chose your words carefully, friends.
- Your actions say more than your words do. More is caught than taught. You know that. We are the very first example of what womanhood and motherhood looks like to our children. My mom could have told me 100 times, “never leave your home untidy” but what I remember is that she did it. She didn’t have to tell me, because I saw her prioritize it. And your kids, no matter how old they are, know what you prioritize as well. They see what you are passionate about and what you tend to ignore. If you are brave enough, ask them. Ask them what things are most important to their mama and see what they say. It could be a good conversation to have and an indicator of how they perceive your actions.
- Be intentional. I can’t tell you this enough. Great parenting doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a fabulous mix of intentionality and God’s grace to make up the difference. Left to our own devices it’s easy to become selfish. It’s easy to demand me time or distract ourselves from important work. Don’t misunderstand me, we all need a break, but the number of things vying for our attention these days is endless and often only one click away. Be intentional with how you spend your time, your life. Be intentional about how you train your children, what you teach them.
- Never stop growing. Our kids are growing and changing and the demands of this mama job brings new challenges all the time. Find a good mentor, read great books (or blogs!), listen to awesome podcasts (my new favorite) and challenge yourself to keep growing. Learn new ways to break bad habits. Learn methods to create peace in your home ,to temper bad attitudes, to deal with overwhelm, to help sibling rivalry. Don’t spin your wheels when there are many women who have made it through the very thing you are struggling with – and survived. Use their knowledge, their experience and keep growing.
- Choose to speak life to your children. Of all the things my mama’s voice could be saying in my head, “never leave your home untidy” is a pretty good one. It has served me well. As you are going about your day, choose to speak life over your children. Tell them who they are in your family. Tell them who they are in Christ. encourage their strengths, carefully grow them in their weaknesses, but let your words give life to them. That life, those words, will serve them for years to come.
And finally, cover those kids in prayer. The greatest gift your child will could ever receive is a mama who was faithfully committed to praying for them. Pray that your children will know how much they are loved and how valuable they are. Pray that they would realize their strengths, grow them well and use them to glorify their Creator. Pray for their future, their careers and relationships, their health. Pray that your home would be a fertile soil that gives them life and strengthens them. And pray that as you try every day to do this mama job well, as you strive to speak life to your children, pray that His grace will cover it all. Because that is what makes all the difference.
Mother and kids This never even occurred to me until I was working with my youngest on riding sans training wheels last month
I absolutely love this!! Such a great reminder that I need daily! Keep up the good work I love your blog!
Thank you, Brittany!
Looking forward to reading your ideas and newsletters.
Thank you Katie for these words. Beautifully written and wonderful words of truth and reminders I was meant to hear today!
Thank you so much for taking a moment to let me know, Aubrey. It’s amazing to me how we can write words minute and they can be meant for someone else, at a very precise moment, months later. God is that good. <3
Thank you for sharing, ai was also raised by a Mom that pushed for a clean house on a daily basis no matter what, a I’ve found myself fighting for perfection and never really finding it. I’m trying to sloe down and let things go. Thank you for reminding me of how short our time is and it’s so important to speak good into their lives.
Those words sink deeper than we often realize. Letting some of that go is probably a good idea, Shawn. Wishing you the best!
What an encouragement! I am sharing this at A Mom Life this week.
Thank you for sharing, Nicki!
Oh my goodness, thank you so much! My daughter is 8 and she is growing up so fast. This moves me to tears. God blessed me today, through your transparency, to pause, stop and correct my behavior. The hustle and bustle of work, home and just living through has eroded who I really want to be if I am not careful. I am a taskmaster in my business and often bring that person home from the office too often. Not anymore. God bless your ministry.
I feel those tear on the days when we realize just how fast it all goes, Dionne. You are so wise to pause and reset; we all need that at times. Wishing you the best!
Thank you Katie for your wonderful sharing and openness!! Every word such wisdom!!!
God continue to bless you as you be the best Mummy you can be 😊
Smiles Sharnee 😊
Thank you, Sharnee. I so appreciate that.
A beautiful article. The closing thoughts about praying for our children….. Was the most profound and touching point. Thank you.
My pleasure, Jessica. I’m glad that you found it helpful. Praying that prayer continually. <3
I found this post on Pinterest, and I love it. Thank you for the encouragement written here. I know I still play some of my mother’s words in my head, and I want my girls to have a godly, loving soundtrack in theirs from me as well. So glad you wrote this.
Thank you, Mary. You are off to a great start. Keep fighting to speak life!
I am reading this post late, but I still want to say thank you. I am a foster mother who is constantly looking for ways to help our children become whole again. This has given me wonderful perspective on how my husband and I can plant seeds that will empower, and help grow our children into adults with self worth, love, and forgivness. Thank you so much!
Never late; I pray this post reached you right on time, Nicole! Thank you for bravely helping the broken; it takes tremendous courage to do. I am the one who is blessed if my words get to become even the smallest part of your journey. Wishing you the very best. Katie
So glad you reposted this morning! I missed this post the first time around, and it’s a GOOD one! I’m convicted! I just love my little munchkins so much, but sometimes I’m crabby and tired and desperately want to sit and just do nothing. But they love my attention and snuggles and words. Thanks for reminding me.
Every mama’s struggle, Laura! There is certainly a balance but a good reminder helps us re-align our perspective when we are leaning too far one way. Thanks for reading!
Love this! I often say the same thing to my kids when they ask why we have to clean up before we go somewhere. But there are many days when I leave the house a mess when we are in a hurry and many tines when I am frazzled and speak words that I know tear down and hurt. Thank you for encouraging me to remember to speak words of life to NY children and set a example of humility and kindness in the midst of my imperfections. Linking up with you at #graceandtruth link up:)
Thanks for stopping by, Rebekah! It definitely is a daily battle to tame our tongues, and our hearts. But it is an important battle and certainly one worth fighting.
This is so good, Katie. Such challenging food for thought. I want to speak life to my kids. I never thought so much about how I remember so well things my parents said. What I mean is I never made the connection with things I say to my kids now! That will be their internal tape for years to go. Let’s speak life! sharing on Twitter and Pinterest. #BloggersBootcamp 🙂
Betsy, thank you! Wanting my words to bring life (and maybe a clean house too!) right along with you. 😉 Thanks for sharing!
Good encouragement, Katie. Our words are so strong, and I don’t always choose them as carefully as I should. I appreciate your ways to speak life.
I hear you, Abi! I’ve been extra mindful lately and I’m still a definite work in progress. I’m so thankful for grace that covers it all while we keep striving for words that bring life.
I am still that way today. Don’t want to come home to a dirty house. But I also remember reminding myself what’s more important clean house or spending time with my children. Years from now which one will make a difference. Besides one can never get a house “clean enough” and if you try you’ll just drive yourself crazy.
Amen to crazy! 😉
What a beautiful post! I was modeled the same example of leaving the house clean. With 4 kids, that’s a lot of work! Thank you for the reminder to speak life into my children! Thank you for this post!
Ha, it sure is a lot of work, Valerie! I hear you there. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!