Brave Enough to Engage

Interesting. It is such an easy word. A word we throw around without regard; a word that is fairly safe and unoffensive.

It requires little of us. It doesn’t take much to be interested, right?  Yet we use it in a sense that betrays the very definition of the word.

I’m “interested” when my 10 year old son shows me yet another one of his other-worldly Lego creations. An amphibious bird with massive teeth and rapid fire capabilities, who feeds on krill and breathes fire. Interesting.

I’m “interested” when the clerk behind the counter tells me her thoughts on the education system as she sees my homeschooled children file through the checkout line with me. Interesting.

Often times my interesting is a filler, a pacifier, an easy way out. It’s a safe word. And it adds nothing to the conversation, to the relationship.

What would it look like if we spent less time being interested and more time being engaged? If we actually added value to those small interactions instead of just surviving them?

My 30 seconds with my 10 year old could turn into a mini science lesson as we discuss creation and why predators with ferocious teeth don’t generally prey on those at the bottom of the food chain. Or a lesson in creativity as we discuss what defense mechanisms an amphibious bird might need. All the while filling the cup of a 10 year old boy. A boy who is caught somewhere between big kid and little and desperately needs his mama to confirm both sides of that coin, rather than hear a mindless “interesting”.

What about the store clerk? The grocery store line isn’t the place for a five minute conversation, just ask the people standing in line behind you. But by being engaged we can humbly pass on a simple truth or encouragement rather than slapping an interesting on it.

We tend to think we mask our intentions well, but people know when we are really listening, when we actually “see” them.

The other day I had a two minute conversation with the librarian while I was checking out.  My kids took notice. “Mama, she was sure nice today”.

I got to explain to those kids what engaging means, what it looks like. I told them how it costs us nothing more than a minute or two of our time and a simple smile. And from that humble offering we all walk away feeling a little better about our day.

That librarian, she told me about her day. She told about the spent dvds she was sorting and of a local business that repairs them. That information would have been even more valuable to me a week prior, when I tossed one of the kids dvds because it wasn’t playing correctly – a dvd that is currently in the Disney vault and we won’t be able to replace anytime soon, mind you. I won’t make that mistake again. Simply because I chose to engage.

Relationship matters. It is so easy to get caught up in our busy to dos, rushing from here to there. I’m a task oriented girl. I mess these moments up daily. But it costs us so little and we can truly make a difference when we begin to use those interactions to not just be interested, but engage.

Here are three ways to begin engaging right now:

1. Notice other people.  I mean really see them.  Start with one interaction.  The next person who interrupts you or you come into contact with, take 10 seconds to think how that person’s day might be going.
2. Show them they matter. Your jetting eyes, your busy hands, they betray your words every time. Ask a poker player. Forget that, ask a 4 year old. Even they can tell when you are really listening or not. Stop what you are doing and physically show them they have your attention.  A gal I know who runs a local non-profit was just telling me the other day how this simple step has overhauled her relationship with her employees. When they walk into her office, she turns her back on her computer, closes the book in front of her and without even saying a word tells them “I care about what you have to say”. For many of us, it may just look like putting our phone down. Ouch, I know.
3. Be all there. It may be a super quick interaction or a lengthy conversation but give that person your undivided attention and actually think about what they are saying rather than filling the space with enough cordial conversation to get you through the interaction.

I know a few people who engage naturally. It seems effortless for them and they do it all the time. It’s a pretty awesome thing to watch as their smile, every non-verbal cue, shows they genuinely care.

But for most of us, it’s going to take a little effort and a little practice. But think of how much grace and encouragement you have the ability to pour out at such a little cost to you. Be intentional. Be brave enough to engage.

What about you? Who can you engage today?