Enjoy every minute of it!
No one tells you that about a root canal or going to the DMV. It’s over fairly quickly. It fixes a problem. In a month, maybe even a week, you’ll hardly remember what a pain in the butt it was and you are clearly better off for getting that tooth fixed or getting your license renewed, right? Good working teeth, the freedom of driving a vehicle, all good stuff but no one expects you to enjoy what is known as a universally painful process of getting there. Until you become a mom. Advice for moms runs rampant.
A few year ago, as I dropped a child off at the church nursery, the lady behind the counter asked how I was. She had years on me, wisdom and a dry sense of humor to complete the package. I began to ramble on about how last night was rough, multiple kids awake in the middle of the night with major emergencies like covers falling off or needing a drink. One kid ended up in my bed, tossing and turning, throwing blows most of the night.
Catching myself in my complaint filled, yet honest diatribe, I tired to quickly jump ahead of her response, “but I know, these days are short and someday I will wish I had them back”. She looked straight at me and said, “or maybe not. Sleeping through the night is pretty great. You may never miss days like these”.
Her response was quick. Her tone was light. But somehow, it felt like….freedom.
Years ago I attended a baby shower for a friend whose baby came earlier than expected so it turned into an after-baby shower. The last trimester was tough on this girl as she fought off pre-term labor with a mix of bed rest and lengthy hospital stays that only somewhat delayed the inevitable. Her premie came home after a short stint in the NICU and proved to be a difficult newborn. Really fussy, acid-reflux, poor nurser, all the things.
So at this shower, when the guest of honor mama was asked how she was doing she hesitated a bit, pasted on her biggest smile, gushed about how grateful she was to be a mom but then she let a little reality slip as she mentioned that it was really hard and she was really tired. The well intended comments from around the room were to be expected.
Oh, these days go by so fast.
Just hold that baby and enjoy it.
The days are long but the years are short.
And while all of those things are true, when I looked closely, I saw the weight of these comments, this advice, land on that struggling new mama. Like compound interest on a bad credit card it was all just piling up – the not going as planned, the not getting any sleep, the this is way harder than I expected and now just enjoy it!
I waited for a quiet moment, pulled that new mama aside and tried my best to pass along the same gift that church nursery worker had given me. “It’s okay to kind of hate this part. It’s hard and not fun and it will get better, so much better, but I think it’s okay to not really love this phase.” And the look on her face looked like, well, freedom.
There are moments in motherhood, like life in general, that are flat tough. Really tough. And often those moments have been steeped in expectation. We knew they were coming, we have talked about them and dreamt about them and then when they come they look a lot less like Pinterest and a little more like our life. They are beautiful and yet messy. They are wonderful and yet exhausting and we’re left feeling guilty and trying our best to fake it because this is supposed to be awesome, right?
Life is hard, friends. Motherhood is hard. Kids that don’t sleep are hard. Kids who pull attitude are hard. Kids who are real humans, who have their own bent, their own will, their own struggles – they are hard. And hard isn’t always fun and enjoyable. There is always a deep beauty in being a parent but I think there is a whole lot of freedom in knowing that not every part of it is fun. Not every season is lovely or enjoyable. That doesn’t mean we get to give up our joy in it, but it does mean that we can free ourselves from the weight, the guilt, the shame and the fear that we are somehow not doing it right.
Our goal is not happiness, but deep seeded joy which comes from contentment – authentically committing to do the best we can, right where we are. Not because every moment is fun and Pinterest worthy, but because this is our calling. This is a good and beautiful work. Now that is advice for moms that you can cling to!
Everyday. For His Glory.
I think perhaps some young mothers are too hard on older ladies who simply know how blessed the young moms are to be where they are in their life. We aren’t trying to get them to deny reality and grit their teeth and say ‘I’m enjoying this’ as the toddler dumps yet another bowl of wet gushy stuff on her head and the floor or the baby poops from stem to stern and the smell makes you want to gag, and the 4 & 6 year olds are whining, feverish and have horrible colds.
We simply have lived through the length and the brevity of it all…days we wanted to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over our head, and days when we wouldn’t trade places with anyone else in the world and humbly thanked God for all of it.
I think some of the young mom’s of today might remember that we didn’t have the forums that some do to voice our struggles and weaknesses and get almost instant encouragement or help from many sources. Yes, we had a telephone and we could call a friend, but when we had little ones in our day, moms couldn’t stay tethered to the phone on the wall. Mostly, we got through the day and thanked God when our husbands walked in at 5pm to give us a friendly heart and ear and two more hands to share the chores. As a former military wife, there were months when I couldn’t do even that, and I didn’t have it as hard as a single mom did. Today when I tell a young mom to enjoy it, I mean that it all goes fast, good and difficult, and that even during the hard times, there is much to be thankful for. It’s true, we all need that reminder, so please, the next time I encourage you to enjoy it, remind me to do the same. It all goes too fast, and we all need a reminder (as a dear friend in heaven used to remind me) to stop and smell the roses.
What a thoughtful response! You have a time earned perspective and it feels like grace all around. Thank you, Mom and Gramma, for helping us all think beyond the stage we are in. Even the tough and messy ones. 🙂
The reality of time passing fast is hitting this momma hard. Graduation in 19 days. 😢 Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The joy in it is realizing we serve an awesome God; who trusted us enough to loan us His children, and train them up in the way they should go. The joy is also in realizing that those days when we are walking through the triles and tribulation of everything being a mother entails; owning the gunk and the dissatisfaction of it, and knowing God loves them more and His grace is sufficient. Beautiful article Katie, thank you!!
God loves them more. What an awesome reminder! And thank you, Niki.
This is excellent! I’ll be sharing this with our mops group for sure. 🙂 Beautiful blog!
Thank you, Jenny! And thanks for sharing that freedom with others mamas! <3
I’m 64 and I loved motherhood. It was my thing I wanted to be all my life. Overwhelming is mild compared to what you feel when you bring that little one home for a lifelong stint 24 hours a day 7 days a week sick or healthy. My daughter would call me to come home from work because the baby was sick and throwing up. I finally said I can’t why can’t you handle it? She said “I hate throw up and you don’t mind handling it.” Many are not enjoyable about caring for those precious ones but you do it because you love them so much it’s your job but doesn’t mean you like it. Hardest job in the world, motherhood.
I’ve always admired women who have felt that calling from such an early age, Barbie. What a gift! I too love this job like no other. The hard and the messy don’t even tip the scales when we put it in perspective, but I think it’s still fair to say there are some parts of it that kind of stink. That doesn’t mean that we don’t roll up our sleeves and do the job faithfully. We certainly must. But it’s okay to be vulnerable and honest about how tough this all can be as well. Your daughter is blessed to have you!
YES. Yes to this! I can’t tell you how many times I cringed inside when these well-meaning comments were said to me in the midst of really difficult times with my baby. I did not “savor every moment” of the screaming and sleepless nights.
I never thought about it from the pressure/expectation angle, but I truly appreciate you sharing this. I’ll be sharing with other moms I know.
Oh, Katie!
You’ve nailed it! Not often is this side of motherhood brought out. Thank you for sharing so candidly, and bravely, and honestly! This is my first time visiting your site. I found you through a Friday linkup!
Blessings,
Tiffiney
WelcomeHomeMinistry.com
Eloquently and beautifully spoken. I am so glad I stumbled onto your blog. I’m recommending it to many of my mom friends. Blessings.
Well, I’m so glad you stumbled here too, Vivian! Welcome and thank you for sharing! 🙂
What I would want to see on Pinterest – a tough but beautiful life. That’s what’s real. And it would encourage others to remember that life is not “perfect,” being free from struggles and problems. But it’s worth it. That we can be wrapped in God’s embrace and He is our Daddy when we’re trying to be mommies and daddies to precious little gifts in our home. “Perfect” in family life to God is probably depending on Him day by day, picking up blankets, bandaging boo boos, holding crying kids. He does that for us, and He gets us through the hard stuff. And I imagine He plants happy moments in between the hard ones. Thanks for your post, something to remember when I have kids.
Exactly, Katy. Sometimes real is much more encouraging than perfect. <3
This is bringing tears to my eyes, Katie. It is freeing to be assured that we don’t have to enjoy every moment, to acknowledge that many parts of parenting are tough. I think being willing to accept that can give us the strength to weather those times with more confidence and contentment as well as receive the sweet moments more gratefully.
That’s exactly how I feel, Abi – acknowledging that gives us strength to weather the tough times with confidence. Beautifully, stated. I’m so glad these words reached you right when you needed them. Only Him.
😍
I don’t know how to make those fancy heart eyes, but I’m mentally flashing some right back at you, Tiff. 😉
Why do we deny when things are difficult and we are hating life? Do we feel like we are complaining? Being ungrateful? Betraying our family? Looking like a wimp-like we don’t have it all together? Because we all find a little comfort and peace when someone else doesn’t have it all together either. I, as open as I am, hide my emotions a lot (they aren’t always rational!!ha!). But I have found there have been times when I let it out just to let it out and the response from friends can be overwhelming… “Is everything okay? Are you alright? Can I help you?” And I find that all to be too much for me. But then again there have been times when I vent and the response is crickets and then I grow sad that nobody cares. So maybe for me the part of admitting troubles comes down to fear of being vulnerable? Interesting food for thought Katie. Thanks.
Eek, that darn vulnerable work. It’s tough. And the fear of being known, being found out, and not measuring up – all lies. I think it happens more acutely when we take our eyes off of the One in whom our identity lies, but the distraction is so readily available, the comparison so cheap, so easy. Thinking through that right along with you, friend.
So true. And it is ok to admit it is tough. It is ok to say it is hard. It will not always be easy and I think once we admit that, we can move past it!
I agree, Christia. It’s like a deep exhale to know it’s okay that this isn’t awesome, that this hard. Thank God, with His help, we can do hard things!
Appreciated this. Good truth to tuck away for the hard days when I have kids, and as much as I want a house full of my littles, to enjoy the stage of singleness as well and a good night’s sleep! Thank you for your honesty and courage in embracing the hard reality of life along with the joys!
I love your take on that, Andrea. The truth is we can put too much pressure on enjoying any stage of life, right? It all has it’s hard and messy and not-quite-what-we-thought. I love that you are doing just that – making the most of life, right where God has you for now. That is brave!
I have to admit at first I was hesitant. I am that person that says, “the days are long but the years are short”, so to admit that hating a hard season is okay is tough for me. But this past month or so I have felt it. I think I am understanding that it is okay if there are hard times. We enjoy the sweet moments, the cuddles, the love, the smiles and when the fussing and tantrums come we try to hold on to the better times.
I get that Rhiannon and the fact remains true – the years ARE short. But sometimes, particularly when we realize that, we place so much weight on enjoying every moment that we lose touch with reality – the reality that sometimes parenting is just really hard and it’s okay to say that. It’s okay to feel that. And, thank God, there are more than enough truly sweet moments to make up for the hard. I so appreciate your honest thoughts!
Wonderful post! Eloquently written I will add!
Thank you, Marsela! I’m glad you stopped by!
Truer words have not been spoken! I’m going to share this with one of my favorite mamas who is going through a not-so-fun stage with some of her kids. (And I think I know who that wise nursery worker was!)
I’m pretty sure you do, Joy. And thanks for sharing! 😉
Yes and amen!
A little freedom for everyone! 🙂
I’m really thankful for the gifts God has given me …my children, but there have been those days, (even weeks) that were really tough and I was really glad and relived when we got through them. We can be very thankful for our gifts but not LOVE everyday day or every little thing about it. Sometimes, it’s just really tough. This is a really great post!
Thank you Renee. And yes, definitely thankful for the gifts of our children!
as long as we’re doing it for His pleasure – and not for the world’s….
Always, Andi. <3
YES. Just YES to every bit of this. We’re currently expecting #4 and this post is so true. What you will miss is their tiny fingers, their precious baby smell, their soft noises and gummy smiles. Not so much on the sleepless nights or exhaustion. 😉
Truth! Wishing you the very best, Lorey, #4; so exciting!
Such a great reminder!
Thanks for stopping, Brittany!
Well said! These are wise words, Katie.
Thank you, Dawn! We all need that freedom when we are doing this massive job the best we can. 😉