Friendship Worth Fighting For: Why we need friends

I don’t stop by the coffee shop all that often – once or twice a month on average.  It’s even rarer that I go inside; I’m a drive thru girl, because, well, kids and places to be and all the things.

Recent events, however, provided me with the opportunity to run inside and order my iced tea – twice in two weeks actually.  And both times I ran into the same two sweet ladies from my church, on a coffee date of their own.

They smiled wide and friendly.  Welcoming and kind, it comes easy for them.  As I buzz in and out, checking the time on my phone, I wonder if it would have just been quicker to have just pulled in that mile long drive thru line.  And those ladies, they sit.  It’s obvious they enjoy each other’s company, their time together, their drinks, all of it.

These women are more than twice my age.

I sit with my friends at coffee pretty much never.  On the rare occasion that we do, I tend to show up 10 minutes late, rushed, and I check the time on my phone every 15 minutes or so because there is a constant countdown to the next place I need to be.  The kids need picked up, my husband needs to be somewhere and there are all of these things that I’ve left undone and probably should be at home doing.

My second time running into these ladies, we visit a bit more.  I tell them what a gift it is to watch their friendship, that they make growing older look quite lovely.  And they slowly pour out wisdom to me.  It’s the kind of wisdom you can see coming, the kind that makes your eyes dart for a mason jar, your iPhone, anything that might catch or bottle the graceful words that somehow flow from women who are twice your age.

Through their warm smiles they tell me they have been friends for decades, they’ve had these coffee dates for years.  Years before one of them lost her husband, years before their children were grown and gone, they made time for friendship.

And they encouraged me to do the same – make time for friendship now, because down the road, more than ever, you will need those friends.  Their words rang of memories and adventures, history and hurts they’ve weathered, together – a richness that comes with time.  A richness that I might not yet grasp, at 36.

Their words land with conviction. I know without fully knowing, what these ladies tell me is true.

 

I need friendship now, don’t get me wrong, but in the busy, we are less apt to notice the void.  The void will show up.  Busy won’t always look like this.  Trials will come; we need the support of great friends.

I thought for a while on what those ladies said,  how exactly to make it happen and I narrowed it down to a few simple ways I can keep building strong friendships in this busy season of life.

Be Committed

Similar to marriage, know that this relationship is worth fighting for.  Friendships change as seasons change.  It’s easy to stay in touch when your kids are playing soccer together or you run into each other every day.  But what about, when you don’t?  When your kids go to different schools, when they participate in different activities, when your paths never cross?  Make them cross.  Even if it’s not as frequently, be committed and intentional about connecting.

Be Vulnerable

Friendship requires vulnerability.  Don’t be afraid of awkward – the slightly awkward text or invite, that slightly uncomfortable dinner or coffee date, the phone conversation after far too much time has passed, it all adds up.  Friendship requires risk.  Lean into the awkward because even those awkward moments add up to memories that build a friendship.

Be Grateful

As those beautiful coffee shop ladies showed me, some stages of life provide more free time than others.  You might not be at the weekly coffee date stage.  Or your friend might not be.  That too will pass, but don’t be a nagging friend, simply be grateful for the time you do get together.

Be Spontaneous

Spontaneity has actually been the biggest gift to me at this stage of life.  Sometimes, with such a full calendar, planning ahead too much makes me break out in hives.  But coffee in an hour?  I might actually be able to pull that off.  A pedicure at lunchtime, sometimes that really works.  Being spontaneous won’t work every time, maybe not even most of the time, because we all have these crazy schedules.  But I’ve been surprised how much it actually does work, if we’re brave enough to give it a try.

Be a Prayer Warrior

This might be the greatest common bond between my closest friends and me.  We pray.  We don’t chat every day.  There are many friends I don’t chat with every week.  There are plenty of details of our lives that go untold and unshared, but when things start falling apart, when life comes with tension and struggle, we show up. We are front line warriors battling it out in prayer for each other at the drop of a hat.  I don’t need t explain what a gift that is.  Be that kind of friend.

 

So that is what I learned from those two sweet ladies, on a typical coffee date.  Friendship is beautiful and worth making time for, worth fighting for.  We will lose jobs and parents and spouses, even.  Parenting will threaten to pull us under at times and trials will rise up out of nowhere.  And we will need these friends to hold our hands, hold our hearts, and hold us up.

Put the time in, because friendship matters.