Ten years ago today I found it hard to get out of bed. Leveled by a weight I didn’t completely understand or see coming, I struggled to find my footing. I hid.
Go into labor in an instant, be rushed to the hospital by ambulance, deliver a lifeless baby and hold her in your arms…and the world kind of stops.
Leave the hospital no longer pregnant, no longer with child, just in time to meet with the funeral director, because there are choices that have to be made, papers that have to be signed and it’s all so hard to hard to process. It happens so quickly.
Where am I and how did I even get here?
In the days that follow you try to put one foot in front of the other, put the pieces of normal back together, but it’s a puzzle where nothing seems to fit no matter how much you will it to. Everything has changed.
There was still a sweet one year old to mother, a husband who was trying to process the same nightmares, friends and family who wanted so much to help, wanted in, and I mostly couldn’t find the strength to open the door more than a crack.
The next year was hard. It sucked. I realize that’s not a pretty word, but it feels disingenuous to paint pretty words on the ugliest of times.
I cried when my close friend told me she was pregnant – with a girl. She was nervous to tell me. I offered congratulations, hung up the phone and bawled. I did the same another day as I walked by the little girls shoe section in a department store.
I knew God was good, but why did it feel like he wasn’t good to me? I prayed big prayers for my daughter. I rested and didn’t do yard work when I knew things were complicated. I followed the rules, fought for faith over fear. And here is where it all got me, bawling in the shoe department.
In the months that followed, months and months of hoping to become pregnant again, fear became a cancer in my heart. What if this is it for me? What if there are no more babies? What if there never is another little girl?
The questions were real and honest and painful.
And ten years later, I find myself here – mama to two lively, healthy and beautiful girls (not to mention, two awesome boys, as well). I can’t look a them without realizing God has given me nothing less than a double portion.
They are two peas in a pod, these girls, nearly the same size and preferring to dress the same much of the time, as well. We celebrated them last night as they turned 6 & 8, just days apart. And my heart felt overwhelmed. Amidst the festivities, I couldn’t help but realize that God saw every angry and bitter tear that I cried, knowing I would be right here today. He knew there would be beauty from those ashes, that I would one day be able to share my story and hold another woman’s hand in her pain.
And He sees you too.
I still don’t have suffering all figured out. I don’t have a canned answer for the whys and hows, a pretty band-aid for the pain. I’ve much to keep learning and I suspect I won’t completely understand it all until I see the face of the One who made me. But I know that He is faithful. And He is good. Even, to me.
This post has been linked at #TellHisStory.
I needed to hear this. Thank you!
My pleasure, Carrie. <3
I love when you share your story. So many can relate to you. Transparency makes us all human, vulnerable.
Your girls are growing so fast! Hugs to you & yours
Thank you, friend. Those are always the hardest words for me.
I just love the candor of your posts. I never lost a baby; but it sure felt like it after praying for a baby girl for so long. I had an ultrasound that was a probable girl and got a boy on April fools day of all days. All this after baby number one (also a boy) was born and I was told he shouldn’t have been and I may never have another. Being diagnosed with PCOS left me feeling overwhelmed with grief and less of a woman because my body could not perform the basic function a commanded function of going forth to multiply. And even though I was not saved at the time and probably because I wasn’t I felt God punishes me.
Years later we decided to try for baby three and I prayed, I begged and I pleaded for a baby girl. I even had a dream so vivid of this beautiful little girl around 3-4 years old with curly brown hair and green eyes; wearing a white with blue floral runt dress, leggings, a jean jacket shrug and baby ugh boots. So I thought for sure she would be real this time. I had several ultra sounds with baby three because I had pre-eclampsia and when the ultra sound tech said I see scrotum I couldn’t feel the blessing God gave me in my 3rd boy, all I felt was loss and betrayal. I cried most of the way home from the doctor ( a 2 hour trip). I had the bedding I bought for baby #2 , pretty pink feminine baby girl bedding and all I could do was cuddle it, weeping over a loss that really wasn’t a loss. I mourned for years and my sons are now 18, 12, and 7.
One time when I was praying pleading really to Father God about all the things I felt He hadn’t given me, all the ways He hadn’t blessed me, it hit me that His love, His grace, His mercy, He is sufficient for me is when I finally decided to let go of her. It still hurts but not as bad. I still wonder sometimes what she would be like, how different our lives would be, but how we wouldn’t have Sawyer or Bridger if she was here. Often times I think we decide God is not good when bad happens because we equate what is good as what WE deem is fair. Life isn’t fair, And Gods plan is not our plan. If He gave us what we think we deserve it could change the coarse of that plan. If He gave us what we truly deserve well I guess the wage of sin is death and I would be in the grave.
God bless,
Niki Larson
Niki, thank you so much for bravely and honestly sharing your story. I can’t think of any way God has shaped my heart more acutely than the process of having children. The wanting and not wanting and hoping and hurting and “let’s have more”, “no, let’s not have more” has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be, yet it has forced me to understand more clearly than ever that He is God and I am not. The selfish and headstrong planner part of me gets that confused at times. It’s definitely a blessing to look back over time and see that even though some things were hard, He is so very good.
So hard to understand God in the hard times. Hard to believe that He is good. Thanks for sharing the painful memory and the blessings.
Yes, Sheila. I’m thankful for time and perspective. All these years later I am still learning, still seeing Him bring beauty from those ashes.
Thanks for your honesty. I have never had the pain of a losing a child in this way. But obviously, God knows what He is doing, even when we don’t understand. Trust is huge! Thanks for reminding us. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Exactly, Amy. And while suffering is so very hard, the opportunity to see God’s grace and providence through it is an incredible gift. Thanks for reading.
Our God is indeed a good God. I relate perfectly with your story. Wentbto hospital pregnant and leaving without a child. Mine happened 14years ago and I still remembered how I couldn’t cry for days asking Him to explain to me what happened and 3days after I lost my baby boy He walked into my room early in the morning at the hospital, hug me and whispered to me ‘ I know what’ just trust me and I was able to let down the tears. He has blessed me with two lovely boys 13 & 11 years and I know beyond any doubt that God is indeed faithful
Wow, Yemisi, what a beautiful story. It’s interesting how grief can look a little different for all of us, but the same God carries us through it. Thank you for sharing your story with me. <3
Thank you for sharing your stories. I came across your post and instantly i was hooked. However, I didnt know at the time that i would soon be in your place. I had a feeling somthing wasnt right with my pregnancy but i pushed through it with faith. However, God had his plan. It hurts. Im slowly moving forward. I know God is good. Lord knows hes taken very good care of us and blessed us with a beautiful healthy happy little girl already. Shes more than i ever expected. But I hope that God continues to have pateince with me thru this time. I cant say i have it together and that my walk with him is stronger than ever before. Nevertheless, i havent let him go. But i pray that i can be as strong as you are and that my faith would be where it was, if not stronger. I hope God continues to bless you with the desires of your heart. Thank you for your words and the hope to give to those like me. God bless you
I’m so sorry, Maria. Please know I’ve had a lot of time to get here; it was a slow process. One thing I’ve come to realize is God completely understands hurt, pain and loss. Jesus felt that when both John the Baptist and Lazarus died. I can only imagine how it grieved God when his own some Jesus was crucified. He gets it. And there is so much grace there. Try to be as patient with yourself as He is with you. I’m praying for you this morning and I am thankful you found your way here, Maria. <3
Such an encouraging post. Celebrate big!
We sure did, Leanne!
Yes, that He is. I relate to this post so much. 5 babies in Heaven and I cannot help but stand in awe of the 6 lives He has now blessed me with… Amazing God!
5, wow. I never knew, Anna. Interesting how you can look at a person’s beautiful family and never know the long road that led them there. Everyone has a story, don’t they? We are blessed to learn so much of Him along the way.