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I watched her from the ballet studio’s observation window. She is only 8 and it was her first ever audition for a show. The Nutcracker. Even through the glare of the window, amidst the other moms vying for inches of real estate so they might peek in as well, her faint smile told me she could see me too.
And I wondered how exactly I might best smile back.
How do you form a smile that wills confidence and calms nerves? How do you light your face in such a way that says “You got this. You are capable and talented and you can do this!” But at the very same time, “This doesn’t matter, sweet girl. At all. This stuff is fun and challenging and growing you, but you are worth far more than your efforts. You are inherently beautiful and wonderful and enough.”
I need my two-second smile to say all that.
The pressure was palpable for her…and for me.
I wondered about the wisdom of an audition at the ripe age of 8. Is she even ready for this? Thankfully, it was more about training and experience than making the cut. All the tiny dancers, enrolled students, will play some part in the show.
And this struggle, this tug-of-war between performance, tangible success, and worthiness, is one that seeks to haunt her heart long past the age of 8.
For the past month I’ve been leading a couple dozen women through the study of this book. And while the content is relevant and the writing is engaging, it’s the stories of the women I’m reading alongside that are resonating most with me.
Women who are brave enough to share their very personal struggles with rejection, their barely healed scars of not feeling like they are enough, their open wounds. Their stories are different and yet, much the same. Their insecurities are real. Their questions are raw. And it’s all tucked neatly behind a faint smile. Sometimes it feels like we’re all just barely holding it together behind a brave face.
Sometimes it feels like we’re not all that different than my tiny dancer in her ballet audition.
And I wonder – is my heart, exploding for my girl through a simple smile, the tiniest taste of how God sees her? How God sees us?
Wrapping our brain around God’s love for us isn’t always easy. We know exactly what kind of mess we are. We know our missteps and our mistakes. We know so well when we are impatient and short on grace, when we let words fly, waste our gifts, fail to be grateful. Daily. We know exactly how in adequate we are.
And even in all of that He loves us wildly.
It’s hard to imagine, right? He doesn’t need our cleaned up and polished efforts. There is no requirement of grace or gratitude, for patience or performance. The work is already done. He already chose us.
I can’t even. And yet, standing there watching that tiny ballerina, I get it. Just a little more, I get it. If that completely unhindered mama love is the smallest taste of what He offers us, how could we not live brave, friends? We are already enough.
I’m going to let my daughter and daughter-in-law know about this site. You express yourself so beautifully, Katie. By the way, I’m not one that likes to cry in front of people. I found myself struggling with sadness for a couple of weeks, and wasn’t going to church for I didn’t want to cry in front of other people. I was afraid I would. Well, I went and I did. I came home and read your list of 100 ways to be brave. Well, I choose brave, when I allowed myself to cry with a friend I love. Never thought of that as bravery. Yet, it certainly is. Thank you for that list. It encouraged me to see my tears from a new perspective.
It certainly is brave, Nancy. Showing up, in our most vulnerable and raw moments, is always brave. It’s a willingness to show your honest self. And your courage in that moment, your willingness to be vulnerable, gives others courage to show their emotions as well. I’m praying that you find victory over the sadness that you have been struggling with, Nancy. And thank you so much for your kind words.
Sometimes it feels like life is full of times we are not chosen, and it becomes so easy to start feeling like we are not enough. This is definitely not something I want my daughter to feel, but I also need to remember God doesn’t want me, his daughter, to feel that way either. Thank you for the beautiful reminder that we are already chosen and we are enough.
The beautiful part is that it gives us the purest form of empathy as mothers, right? Thank you for your honest comments, Kira. <3
Wow, I so needed this reminder. Thanks for speaking truth, friend! You are such a blessing!
Thankful for your support, friend. <3
You have such beautiful writing! I almost always cry after reading a post because I am reminded how God’s grace is enough and it’s so hard to accept in our legalistic world view. Also, I remember how quickly my daughter is growing up and it makes me sad. Please keep it up!
Isn’t it though? I get that! It’s hard to comprehend. I write the words because I need the reminder as much as anyone. Thanks for your encouragement, Kassi. It really does mean a lot. <3