Intentional Parenting: Parenting with Purpose

This post is part of a series on  Intentional Living.  You can find the other posts in the series here: Intentional Marriage, Intentional Friendship and Intentional Faith.

 

The other day, I happened to meet a woman who is a school counselor in a community not far from mine.  She casually told me about the types of situations she deals with in the middle school she works at – abuse, neglect, a lack of ethics or any moral code, families plagued by alcoholism, drug issues.  The list goes on.

I was shocked.  Not by the idea that such issues exist, but at how sheltered and isolated I seem to be from things happening right around me.  We worry about kids passing standardized testing and our schools securing federal funding for the next year while these kids, they worry about who is going to be there when they go home.  Which boyfriend their mom will bring in for the night.

But this counselor, she had such a hopeful outlook on it all.  Thank God for people like that.

She often meets with the parents.  She gets to know them. Their history, their own story, isn’t much different from the one they are writing.  She told me that after doing her job for so many years she has come to realize that these parents, most all parents, really do want what is best for their child.  They are just doing it the only way they have ever known, ever seen.

This cycle is heartbreaking.

Parenting by default.

I think we’re all guilty of it to some extent.  Habits run deep and when we push up against something we don’t know, we instinctively default to how we were raised.  Our history becomes our reflex.

 

 

Our choice of schooling, how we celebrate holidays and birthdays, how we manage the family budget, what activities we prioritize, so many of our attitudes and opinions comes back to how we were raised.  Sometimes we follow that model expressly or, finding it deficient, move squarely in the opposite direction.

You see it’s not so much the decisions themselves, well it is, because these decisions are going to have a huge impact on the lives of our children, but it’s also about taking the time to really sort through our options.  It behooves us to figure out what we desire for our children, choose what aligns with our core beliefs and value, our priorities.  Only then will we stop parenting by default and begin to parent intentionally.

Friends, I firmly believe there are a million ways to do this parenting thing right.  We can sit here and argue about the merits versus the downfalls of television or video games, an overbooked schedule, reading time, sports, education options, a healthy diet, the list goes on.

Or, we can productively figure out our priorities for our family, this life with kids, and bravely make our choices from there.  We can own our choices intentionally rather than by default.

 

 

Here is a peak at what that looks like for me.

Rather than continually looking ahead or behind, I want to love my kids like crazy, right where they are.

I’ve wasted enough time wishing they would sleep through the night, wishing they could walk, wishing they were potty trained, wishing they weren’t teething.  Wishing they would out-grow this awkward or difficult stage or the next one.  All that wishing has taught me two things.

All of these things, they happened eventually.  Not necessarily on my time line, but they happened, unfailingly.  And when they happen I seem to just shift my focus on to the next big thing.

I guess it’s our natural tendency in life, huh?  We go through school and everyone wants to know where you are going to college.  You get done with college and they want to know when you are getting married and then, without fail, when you are having kids and how many.

We are always anticipating or waiting for the next move rather than enjoying where we are right now.

For me, I want to love these kids like crazy, today, grateful for the very moment I get with them right now.  The one who still wiggles into bed with us at 1 am.  The one who always wants to help cook, which in reality means twice the mess for me.  The one who can tell story after story about imaginary characters without ever taking a breath.  Who knew listening could make a mama so exhausted? These stages, they’ll soon pass.

I don’t want to wait for them to outgrow these stages, I want to smile knowing, all too soon, they will.  Maybe that is the beauty of being a mama for 10 years?  Far enough in to get a glimpse of just how fast this gig moves, yet early enough in the process to make the changes that make a difference.

What ever your tenure is at this job, it’s never too late, or too early, to make the most of this day with your kids.  Love them like crazy, friends.

 

 

 

I want to spend time with these kids.  Like, really spend time with them.

I’m a stay at home, right?  This should be easy, right?  Yet, I can busy myself like nobody’s business.

Several years ago I read about a mom who set a goal of intentionally doing something with each of her kids individually, for 10 or 15 minutes each day.  Personally, I thought that was stupid.  Who sets goals like that?

But then I had a couple more kids, which means more cleaning and more cooking and more laundry.  The other day one of my kids gave me the brutally honest compliment of “I love you mom, even if we don’t get to play together very often because you always have so much cleaning to do.” Ugh, ouch.

It’s true.  I’m endlessly cleaning.  There is always, always something more to clean in this house.  And I know that when I’m older and look back I want to remember one more game of Candyland, one more piggy back ride, one more chapter, no, five more chapters of their favorite book rather than clean cabinets.  Yet daily, I mess this up.  My actions betray me.

I realize that there is a balance here and I can’t go playing around with my kids all day long.  The dishes need to be done and this house demands my attention too.  But honestly, 10 minutes of focused attention?  If I’m not intentional it absolutely doesn’t happen.  Fact.

Our priorities show by what we do, not by what we say, friends.   I want to be intentional about spending time with my kids.

 

 

I want to show my kids what is important, more than I tell them.

Like it or not, they already see what is important to us.  They know when we choose the phone over them.  They know when we escape, when we hide, when we twist the truth.  They learn, surprisingly early, when to tread softly, when mama is short on patience.

I’m human and I am not afraid of my kids seeing that mama gets tired and short tempered, messes up and over-reacts occasionally.  That is a reality of parenting.  But, even more, I want them to learn grace and redemption, repentance and forgiveness.  And if that is going to happen, I need to be the first one lining up to show them, talking them through that, as well.  Parenting provides us with all kinds of opportunities to model that.

I want to show them what it is to serve, to love, to give, to sacrifice, to know Jesus.  I want to show them humility and faith, generosity and kindness.  You know I want to show them brave.

The very best way I know to show these things to my children is to simply be them.  To employ them. To intentionally find opportunities to engage them.  To talk it through when we do or, just as importantly (more?), when we don’t.

Kids are smarts.  Don’t let your actions betray your words.  Show them what really matters.

 

I have a friend who keeps a list.  A list of things she is praying for, for each one of her children.  I have another friend who keeps a list of everything she would like to teach her children before they move out of her home.  That’s intentional parenting.

It doesn’t happen on accident, friends.

Love your kids, spend time with them, show them what is important.  Make your own list and make it happen.

 

Up next, Intentional Friendship. Watch for it, or enter your e-mail address in the box to the right and it will be delivered directly to your inbox!