I should have seen it coming from a mile away. I could feel it coming before I even went to bed the night prior, but sometimes I feel ill-equipped to stop the train.
The truth is, there wasn’t even anything looming large – no ominous task, per se. It would be Halloween in the morning. How could that not feel fun and fabulous and festive?
But I could feel the tension begin to settle in the night before.
I wasn’t keeping up and I knew it.
The mudroom was overrun with shoes. Again. Or maybe it’s still. I can’t even keep track anymore. There is laundry piling up in all sorts of places. And why can’t I ever really get my act together? For once, just once, can’t I have all the things done, all the things tidy, all the things learned and taught and feel well rested at the same time? Please, God, just for a day?
Why do I so often have to feel like I’m barely keeping up?
The lies blanket over me slow and yet I digest them all quickly. I’m sure everyone else I know has a tidy mudroom. I’m sure they don’t feel rushed and scattered and behind. From the looks of it, no body else is carrying around this nagging weight of being consistently and continually just a little bit…undone.
Even as I felt it, I hated the tension closing in on my Monday. I needed to get some lesson planning done, needed to do double time and make up for a school lesson missed last week, needed to get kids to piano lessons and go visit the neighbors and family members who love to see children dressed in costumes and longing for candy. And so the pressure rolls in like a thundercloud.
My self-talk armors up, ready for battle. Be productive today. Be focused, push hard and you can do this. You can master this day.
This tends to be my default modus operandi, but somehow pushing hard with four kids ages 11 and under often works something like turning up the speed of the blender without putting on the lid. Orders fly out, kids scatter and all we are left with is ragged bits and pieces. We’re a mess. On Halloween. Smile wide for your pictures, kids! Isn’t this fun?
I exaggerate some, friends, but indeed this is the battle in my heart and mind. And the disconcerting part is, the rest of the week forecasts more of the same as we have a full schedule of commitments and activities and have effectively kicked it all off with a Monday short on sleep and saturated with sugar. Brilliant.
But truth steps in right here and reminds me of something. I can’t.
I can’t master it all. The day will close, the week will end and there will probably still be laundry piles. I may very well have years and years of laundry piles. But if I cannot find goodness in this place, if I cannot find peace and rest when the mudroom is a mess then I might as well quit, friends, because this right here, is life. This is four kids. This is motherhood. This is work and serving and homeschooling and all of the other things I’ve chosen to give my life and time to. If I can’t find rest in and amidst my normal, then I am sunk.
And what am I teaching my kids in this place anyway? When life tugs, we tug harder? No thanks. I want my kids to know that when life gets tough and messy, when schedules collide and conflict, we slow our pace a little and we smile. We breathe because it really is okay. When holidays come and routines are tossed to the wind, we embrace it and do our best here. We thrive, because we choose to thrive. Not in spite of the mess but right there, knee deep in the middle of it.
You see I want my children to know that we have a choice here, on long and crazy and messed up days and yet, I don’t always live that out. I live like I can power through, steam roll and muscle it all in. Some days I live like laundry piles and mudrooms get to dictate my happiness. How does that make sense and seem incredibly ridiculous at the very same time? I don’t want my kids to catch this part of me. I want them to catch rest and grace. I want them to know a mom who fought for smiles and peace even, no, especially, when life was a little messy.
And so I need this Truth as my continual reminder.
He gently leads those with young. (Isaiah 40:11)
God, thank you. Please help me lead them as gently as You lead me.
He hems me in behind and before. (Psalm 139:5)
God, it’s not too much because You are here. Help me become more aware of Your Presence.
His power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
God, I seem to give You lots of opportunity here. Help me to trust You, rely on You, and live from this promise rather than trying to steamroll through all my weaknesses.
Maybe you have areas where you are feeling sort of undone too? Areas where you feel like for one day, just one day, you’d like to really have it all together? I’m pretty sure undone doesn’t just limit itself to motherhood, to laundry piles and mudrooms. Undone feels like weight battles with the scale, battles in relationships, battles in our health and in our faith.
I’ve gummed this up more times than I care to admit, friends. I kind of wish I could have a Halloween do over, but instead we’ll do the rest of the week better. I won’t be weighed down by the challenges, by all the things left undone. I will try to gently lead as He leads me. I’ll do grace a little better, slow a little better, remembering it is He who hems me in from every side. And I’ll live from the knowledge that His power really is made perfect in my weaknesses. Every single one of them.
This may very well be the only way to keep going, bravely.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I get so caught up in my own view of what my life is supposed to look like that I forget to thrive where I am. You’ve encouraged my heart so much!
Oh Jayna, I love that these words found you right when you needed them. God is so good like that. <3
Such a helpful post! Loved the verses you referenced – amazing gospel truths for facing the daily grind with courage and strength and joy.
Certainly true, with a new move in in our own home, trying to get everything organized, don’t have messes all around the house, do the laundry, take kid at school, attention to hubby, task at church to be done more, etc. You ended like what’s the best to do or ain’t do nothing as it should be. There will be days we can accomplish to do 1, 2 or 3 task , others day, you havery to sithe and say: wave and smile! God come fill me with your presence and peade.
This is so timely, of course! I just said to my husband on Monday…”how do I get it all done and feel like I’m doing well at everything?” His words of wisdom were “you don’t and no one else does either!” Haha! He knew exactly what I needed to hear, just as God ALWAYS knows what I need. Thank you so much for this post and for the reminder of God’s truths, specifically 2 Corinthians 12:9. Have a blessed day! 🙂
Ha! That sounds exactly like something my husband would say! Although I might not admit it to him, sometimes I wish things were as cut and dry in my brain as they are in his. 😉 But how much grace is there in having a husband who is not holding us up to the crazy standard we hold ourselves to? So much to be thankful for!
Thank you! I really needed this!
My pleasure, Denise. Thanks for reading!
How you have brought back memories of what my days used to be like. With six kids my laundry was never done. Each morning started with a big pot of oatmeal and the toaster was continually popping up four pieces at a time. Spreading peanut butter on six slices of bread and slamming the tops on, they were wrapped in wax paper (no sandwich bags, back then) and put into the waiting brown paper lunch bags, along with an Apple or box of raisins and a couple of cookies, it was done with conveyor belt efficiency! With a rush of grabbing up books and a “don’t forgot your jackets” swoosh it was now time for that cup of coffee getting cold. At the end of the day the same rush with jackets thrown here and there along with school books, and here’s a note from the teacher to be signed for a field trip m, and “oh I need some money too, by tomorrow or I can’t go”. It seems so long ago and how I miss those days! Now my house is clean, no piles of laundry covering the couch, no messy table tops with school books and paperwork cluttering every inch. No lunch bags to fill or notes to sign. It happened so fast, where did the time go? I’m in a different season of my life and while I sip my hot coffee I listen to the silence and I almost hear the children’s voices again.
Oh Shirley, I love the perspective and wisdom you bring. It’s a struggle to be in this place that, at times, feels overwhelming and yet know for certain, at the very same time, that I will miss it. A good dose of perspective is always helpful.
I no longer have small children at home but I am classified as a ‘carer’ for my daughter who at the age of 39 was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. A few years ago my husband made the decision to add a small apartment onto our home so that she would have a secure place to live. For me, that meant she spends more time in our part of the house than I’d like. My relationship with her has always been difficult because she is demanding and relies on me. There were so many times over the years my daily routine was undone and all I wanted to do was run away from the stress. With the help of Godly council and faithful Christian friends I am still learning that God is sovereign, He is good-all the time, His grace is sufficent each day and He wants me to know He will never leave me-even when I ‘spit the dummy’ and hide so I can have a good cry.
Your blog also has encouraged me, especially with your prayer quoting the Pasalms and 2 Corinthians. The challenge on the difficult days is to stay focused on Jesus!
Thank you for being honest and open about your down times when you feel you are failing. Marji
Wow, what a unique challenge, Marji. Undone can look so many different ways, can’t it? And yet the battle is very similar. “The challenge on difficult days is to stay focused on Jesus”. I could not have said it better. I’m praying for you this morning. Praying for perseverance, strength and courage to take one day at a time, offering each and every day up to Him.
Beautifully spoken. Glad to know we are all going through a little bit of the same thing. And these words of encouragement help! This came to my inbox at the absolute most perfect timing. As always.
Thank you, Briana. Being open and real with our struggles and learning that we aren’t the only one tripping along, just trying to do this life well, and get back on track when we mess that all up really does look like grace sometimes, doesn’t it? There is nothing like a quiet “me too.” I’m glad these words found you right when you needed them. <3
Katie, once again, you have expressed what so many of us are going through. I no longer have children at home, but I still find myself undone by all that needs to be done. But life happens and all that God asks is that we be available and obedient. Today He called me to care for my sick Grandson who couldn’t go to school, so I called off work, so my daughter, a single mom, could go to work. It wasn’t the day I planned, but I knew as I washed my dear ones’ bedding full of night time sickness, that I run the risk of also getting sick…but He called me. I could run and try to hide from it all, or I can do what He calls me to do, so very regularly…be available and be obedient. Thank you for the reminder, I am not alone and for the verses to bring me back to His center! – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
As a mom who has had sick kids a time or two, and desperately needed rescuing, I fully know what a gift your choosing to be a little undone was, Amy. To be undone for someone else’s benefit is such a humble gift and beautiful, yet still not easy, place to thrive. Thank you for this reminder…and for being obedient.