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Just last week the kids and I hopped in the car and headed to our neighbors’ swimming pool. When you live in the country you have to actually drive to get to your neighbors house.
Swimming visits are pretty frequent, especially on the triple digit days of summer, but this day was a little different. Today our neighbor had invited her pastor’s wife and children over for a swim as well, and she thought it would be nice for us to meet them.
A mom date, of sorts. So I prepped my kids a little.
“Today there will be another family at the pool so get ready to be friendly and, hopefully, make some new friends.”
And the deluge of questions came quick.
“How many kids? What are their names? Girls or boys? How old are they? Are they nice? Will there be anyone my age?”
I told them the truth.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
It was safe to assume they’d be nice; however, I really didn’t have any other information to go on.
“We’ll find all of that out when we get there. For now you just need to know that you will meet new kids and we are going to try our best to be friendly. The end.”
After a brief silence, a small voice came from the backseat. A question from one of the more bashful kids in the car.
But what if I feel shy?
I reassured her that feeling shy is fine, but that she could still behave in a friendly manner either way. We can feel shy and still smile. We can feel shy and still say hello.
She thought for a minute and then slowly dropped her own little truth bomb.
Shy never seems to make anything better anyway.
I could almost hear the little gears clicking in her heart and mind as she processed it all. Feelings and actions. They don’t always line up. I want to behave one way, but sometimes I feel another.
And so I explained to her that as a grown up, things really aren’t all that different. Sometimes I feel shy, but I choose to engage anyhow. Sometimes I feel scared, but I choose to be brave anyway. Sometimes I feel angry or hurt or insecure and I yet I get to choose how I respond to that whole mix of feelings.
Feelings aren’t necessarily wrong, they’re quite real. But as Lysa TerKeurst so accurately points out in her new book Uninvited (Loving it so far, by the way!) “feelings are fragile props”, shaky ground on which to build our actions.
Childhood and adulthood are really much the same in this battle to will emotions. I don’t expect my children to be fearless. I can’t even pull that off. Fear is real. Shy is real. Doubt and insecurity, they are all quite real. But I can help them know truth and I can help them choose brave.
I love these words from Alexander MacLaren.
It is mockery to say to a man conscious of weakness, and knowing that there are evils which must surely come, and evils which may possibly come, against which he is powerless, ‘Don’t be afraid’ unless you can show him good reason why he need not be. ~MacLaren’s Exposition (emphasis added)
Did you get that? “Don’t be shy, be brave!”, really isn’t enough.
In Joshua 1:9, Joshua is commanded to be strong and courageous. Notice it doesn’t say feel strong and courageous. This command stands in spite of what Joshua is feeling, in spite of the very real threat that lies ahead.
When we’re teaching our children we often paraphrase the verse and stop short, right there. Strong and courageous, got it? But our kids need rest of the verse. And so do we.
The “good reason” is this, “for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
This is the hope for our shy kids. The hope for our scared kids. This is the hope for us shy and scared mamas as well.
As we move into a new school year, as our kids have to meet new friends, new teachers, or walk into a new school building, as our hearts feel tethered and weak right along with them let’s not tell them to be fearless. That isn’t achievable for any of them. Instead, when our little people struggle with big emotions let’s plant this truth in them: Be Brave. Because the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Such a good post! I saw that book the other day and thought I’d read about it somewhere. Maybe it was on here? Our feelings are so temporary and change all the time! I have to remind myself of that so often!
Thank you, Kassi. Reminding myself as well. 🙂 I’ve just barely scratched the surface of Uninvited but I’m really excited to be diving into it with a group of ladies from my church soon!
Good words for us grown up children, too!
Thanks, Katie, for reminding us that our emotions are real and valid but that God is with us – to give us his love and strength to help us. He is stronger than our fears. I find such comfort in trusting God.
Indeed. I wouldn’t know how to survive this life any other way. <3
Hi Katie – I’ve heard that the way to overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid. I just stumbled across your “shy” kids at this same pool last week (lucky me!) and finally got to meet you and your little ones after reading your blog for a few months. You have a right to be proud of how they stretched their wings. They were so wrapped up in the joys of the pool–splashing, diving and new friendships–that they forgot to be afraid and their shyness evaporated in the 100 degree heat. Both you and your new mama-friend at the pool that day are obviously on the right track — raising such polite, confident, friendly, joy-filled and brave kiddos. Thanks for sharing little bits of how to raise children God’s way. It’s a pleasure to read, and then see it first-hand.
Leanne, I loved finally meeting you as well! You have that beautiful ability to make everyone you meet feel like an old friend. Truly a gift. Thanks so much for your kind encouragement.
Hey there Katie! I came across your blog a little over a month ago and my goodness I can’t get enough! I’m constantly checking my email to see if there’s been an update. You have helped me with so much. I’m recently divorced, raising 3 kids on my own, my ex signed over his rights to all the kids and does not see them, or support them financially or emotionally. I was losing my faith and my temper quite often then I read Fighting Fear: How to Call Fear Out For What it is. And something in me snapped. I knew I had to step up and be more for myself and for my kids. I put the pedal to the metal and got (praise the Lord) a better paying job although we had to move back in with my parents for now. Reading through your blog and restoring my faith has helped me so much. I just wanted to say thank you, when i felt like I was alone and I was pretty much ignoring Jesus I felt like you were there for me.
Chelsea, I so appreciate you taking the time to share this with me. What an honor to be on this journey with you and to realize that God can use one person’s simple words to deliver truth straight to the heart of someone else. Isn’t He amazing? Please know that I’m praying for you specifically this morning – that God will give you strength and grace to take every brave step that is in front of you. You got this, because He’s got you. <3
What an awesome truth and reminder. Great perspective… I have a shy little one and we talk about being brave and not giving in to fear but I love the way you explained this powerful truth. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It helps equip me in how I can help encourage her!
My pleasure, Dorene. I’m just beginning to put this into practice as well. We’re all learning as we go. And thank you for your kind words!
Yes!! We can have big feelings but still choose to walk bravely. Faith > feelings! I am having these talks with my girls as we enter a new season of homeschool. Meeting new friends at our co-op get together was overwhelming for them! As a mama, it’s hard to watch them stretch their wings and sometimes falter. But I couldn’t be more proud of them as we walked away with new friends and an excitement for our school year to start! This was such a perfectly timed post to read. 😊
New co-op for us this year as well, Krystal! I’m right there with you. 🙂