The Real Risk of Vulnerability

The idea of brave vulnerability has taken flight in recent years. Sit long (or even short) in a group of women today and this buzz word is guaranteed to pop up. We long to be real, authentic, vulnerable. And I get it. Our curated and filtered screens have us pushing back a bit, eager for something genuine. There is value here. However, there is also risk we need to be aware of. Cultural trends must always be weighted against biblical Truth. I’ve been pondering this for some time now and I’m finally ready to discuss the real risk of vulnerability.

My girl carried the too full laundry basket across the living room and I watched her small body brace to balance the weight of the load. It was obviously awkward for her, hard. Little arms don’t easily wrap around baskets heaped heavy with soiled clothes. Little muscles, and little hearts, often resist the challenge. 

But even more than what I saw, it was what I heard that caught my attention. She moaned and signed. Her frustration never made it into words, but her discontent was certainly audible. I watched as I wiped the kitchen counters and thought one quiet line – you know, you could do that just as well without grumbling.

I held my tongue as I knew my girl was on the edge. Even subtle correction in this moment would have been the gentle nudge that caused the basket to fall, the angry tears to spill. This was not the time for me to share my insight. 

But I wondered – does she even know this? Does she know that it is indeed possible to do hard things without complaining? Does she know it’s possible to take thoughts captive, to ponder things in her heart, to feel things and not share them with the wide world around her? 

We so value vulnerability and authenticity in this modern age.  Spend 15 minutes in any women’s circle, particularly a church-related one, and I’d be surprised if you don’t hear these topics come up. The hunger to be real stands toe to toe with the carefully curated and filtered fragments of life we share on social media. It’s not hard to understand how we got here, highly uncomfortable in a paradox of our own making.

However, the risks of such vulnerability have caught my attention lately.

The Facebook rant that gives voice to our hurt and frustration, whether we name the culprit or not – what value is there in that? Do we feel heard, validated? Our complaint gains traction and we feel seen, noticed? We’ve all seen this play out in real time but that “brave” vulnerability can actually have real, damaging effects. Misguided “friends” cheer on misguided thinking. We fling wide the door for people to speak into our lives – people who are not seeking Truth, pursuing Truth, knowing Truth.

I continued wiping crumbs from the kitchen counter as I watched my girl, surprised yet again by the weight and responsibility of this mothering role. This teaching while learning stands as a continual reminder that kitchen crumbs are the simplest of my tasks. Training hearts, both hers and mine, will alway be the realest work here.

So in light of this teaching and learning, I’ve thought of a few parameters we might well consider in our love for vulnerability. Both as speakers and listeners, here are a few ways we can wisely engage vulnerability with a goal to become the iron that sharpens (Prov 27:17) rather than friends who lead one another astray. 

As Speakers

1. We talk to God first.

Have you noticed how easy it is not to do this? Seriously. It’s easy to phone a friend or send a text asking someone else to pray before we have even paused to talk to God ourselves. If we know Him, if we truly know Who He is – this is pretty bizarre behavior, right? Intimacy begins right here. Train yourself to talk to God, to pursue vulnerability with Him first. David give us a great example of this in the Psalms.

2. We understand the power of words and we wield them carefully.

For better or worse, our vulnerability will always impact the people we are speaking to. Always. Our joys can become their joys, just as our fears can become their fears. That doesn’t mean we can’t share them – don’t read that. But it does mean we have an obligation to understand this and be wise in how we share. (Prov 18:21)

3. We use wisdom in what we share and we pray about who we share it with.

See step 1. And then see step 2. Seriously. The definition of vulnerability is capable of being wounded, open to attack. That definition alone should be a caution to us. As seekers of Truth, we must be wise in who we are trusting the weak or sensitive areas of our heart to.

4. We pay attention to the conviction of the Holy Spirit – the still, small, voice that guides us in all righteousness.

We’ve been given a Helper, friend. Pay attention. 

Some time ago I sat at a table at a Christian women’s conference with a group of women I did not know. After a little small talk it was apparent most of the women at the table did not know each other. One woman, crumbling under the weight of a heavy burden, began to share her current struggle with work and family balance. Mothering toddlers had been rough. She admitted to preferring her time at work over her time at home. Her marriage was feeling the strain of parenting and it all came out in a pile of tears in front of a group of women she didn’t even know.

The immediate response of the women surrounding the table, while offered in love, was fascinating to me. Some normalized and minimized her insecurities. Some consoled her fears and told stories of their own struggle. But while all of these women were eager to help, advice and opinions flying in from every direction, I was struck by the question – are we pointing this woman to biblical Truth or our own good ideas? When we are in the position of listener, that’s a pretty good question to be asking ourselves.

As listeners

1. We talk to God first.

If this sounds familiar, it should. Our prayers for the Holy Spirit to imbibe our words may have to be quick at times, but this step is vital. Our responsibility to lead the vulnerable, those friends trusting us with their open wounds, is huge. We must pray that He leads us here so that we may offer His Truth rather than our own.

2. We use wisdom in how we respond and pray about it.

In order to live this, friend, we have to be rooted in grounded in the Word (Eph 3:17). Pray before you speak and keep praying afterward, that the Lord would convict you as necessary and give you courage to speak Truth in love. 

3. We carry burdens to Christ.

We must help our friends lay their burdens at His feet rather than throwing them in our own backpack. This role is transitory. We point our friends to the cross, help them carry their burdens there, while we continue walking there ourselves. I love the way Ann Voskamp says it in The Broken Way. “Yes, you must grow weak enough to love the world, and yet strong enough to let Christ carry your cross and all the willing world’s or you will be crushed by all of it.” We are of no use to our vulnerable friends when we become crushed by both their burdens and our own. We must be strong enough, rooted enough, wise enough, to let Christ carry them all.

    4.  We continue to seek wisdom.

Yet another reason we must be studying the Word. We cannot speak Truth if we don’t know it and when the situations demanding discernment and wisdom arise, we often have little time to prepare. Preparation must begins now, in the off season and the quiet times. Gird yourself with Truth (Eph. 6:14) so you are prepared when the time comes.

We don’t need a rant to get behind, a bandwagon to jump on, we need Truth to stand on, friend. Camaraderie of complaint does not equate to wisdom. But rather, Scripture tells us, “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.” (Prov. 10:19 CSB)

Our words have weight and life. I can remember words, both complimentary and cutting, delivered years ago. I bet you can too. I’m certain their purveyor had no idea of their shelf life in my mind. They assumed there was an expiration date. 

Let’s be smarter than that.

As women, let’s be purveyors of Truth, the ones who wield words wisely, who encourage one another to stand boldly and be brave enough to point each other back to the One who sees and knows and loves us more than our minds can even comprehend. 

Let’s be those kind of women, that kind of vulnerable, that kind of brave.

May it be so.