Dear wife wishing her husband followed Christ more closely, you are not alone. But the answer to the questions you are asking may look quite a bit different than you think.
It was a podcast discussing Minimalism that got my attention.
I have a weakness for these sort of things. I love fresh ideas and challenges, trying new things. Have a new paleo eating plan? I’m game. Want to train for a half-marathon? Why not. Want to talk about getting rid of half your stuff and simplify? I’m listening.
There is something about trying out new methods, strategies and challenges that I find invigorating. I might not adopt them all for the long term if they don’t fit my priorities, but I’m certainly willing to listen and often game to give it a try, because new things are the spice of life to me.
So I was listening to this podcast on Minimalism and after the guest articulated her perspective, the host asked a question I’m sure many of the listeners were wondering – how do we get our husbands on board?
And the woman’s answer caught me by surprise. In so many words she said – you don’t.
Kind of a shocking thought, no? You simply don’t.
She didn’t leave the listeners there tough. She told of how when she got started with minimalism she didn’t expect her husband to jump on the bandwagon, she just did the best she could with the things in her control. Together she and her husband agreed on a couple spaces in the house that were super important to him – the garage and the master closet. When she began organizing and downsizing he would keep all the things that he wasn’t willing to get rid of in those areas.
He kept his spaces as disorganized as he wanted and she determined to never nag or complain about them (this is key!) as she was free to organize/simplify everything else.
After a couple years her husband began to notice the fruit of her minimalist organization strategies. He noticed the freedom and joy she found in simplicity, how that spilled into the rest of her life as a wife and mom and, over time, he chose to adopt a more minimalist way of life as well.
Not because of her nagging, but because of her joy.
Over the past few years I have received many questions from readers that boil down to the same thing – a wife very much wishing her husband followed Christ more…better…or at all. It is a beautiful and heartfelt concern many Christian women have. The wisdom shared on the podcast is actually a biblical model and practical answer to that very concern.
In 1 Peter 3:1 we read, “In the same way, wives, submit yourself to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live.”
Won over without a word, simply by the way we live. Wow.
The opening of Peter 3 is referring back to chapter 2 in which he reminds us that we were once sheep led astray but have found righteousness only by His sacrifice. He opens chapter 3, with this simple idea of pointing our husbands toward Christ with our very lives by saying, “In the same way…”
In the same way Christ did.
This is the gospel.
What a holy calling. What a huge responsibility.
So often we are convinced that we can push, pull and coerce our husbands into a closer relationship with Christ. We somehow believe we can manipulate or guilt them there. And it doesn’t work. In the long term it is incredibly destructive to our marriages.
John 13:35 tells us the world will know we are His by our love. Why would this not begin with the person standing right beside us, our husbands?
Your husband will not move closer to Christ because of your criticism or your cynicism. He will see Christ in you, by your love.
This is not always an easy task, I realize. But loving well in difficult times, in moments when we wish our husbands led better or prayed more, read devotions to our family, whatever we have been wishing for, will speak louder than any words we can ever say.
Be committed to your own relationship with Christ. Let your joy and hope, your obedience and repentance, leak out into the rest of your life. Love your husband well right where he is, and trust God to do the rest.
It is our beautiful and brave responsibility, friend, and by His grace we get to keep doing it.
May our husbands, and the world, know Him by our love today.
This hit home for me in so many ways! Thank you for a reminder of what God’s Word calls for us to do as wives!
I hope you don’t mind, but I have given your post a shout out on my blog page on Facebook as I am sure this encouraging message would be appreciated by many other wives like myself.
Thank you, Rae, for your encouragement!
As the wife of a husband who followed Christ long before I did, I can tell you that this is exactly right! When I felt I was being pressured or nagged, I felt more turned off by all of it. I felt pressured to join a small group with him and ended up quitting after 5 months because I was most definitely not there because I wanted to be. And then, all of a sudden it all stopped. He didn’t talk to me about church or his small group unless I asked him about it. He stopped telling me what I should be doing and he let me figure it out on my own. I slowly saw the Holy Spirit working inside of him, the love he was pouring out on me and our children, the grace and forgiveness, how he alone was strengthening our marriage- I saw all this and I wanted it too! It has taken a slow two years since I had that little epiphany, but I can now call myself a baby Christian. 🙂
Lauren, I love this! Thank you for sharing your honest story. It works both ways, doesn’t it? 🙂
Love this so very much!!! Amen to every word!
Thank you, Hailey!
Yes, it is true. However, when it comes to finances, I am disabled and not working; husband is 70 and still working full time. He has no savings, no retirement. Is it still my responsibility to get a job and try to save for retirement? He is a believer; however, he is not growing or maturing spiritually. I encourage him to join a life group or small group, but he makes excuses not to join. I have been in a weekly bible study for 13 years. I am at a loss. Thank you.
It’s fascinating to me that we can ask some of these very same questions 5 years and 35 years into marriage, Carol. It’s not easy at either point, is it? I’m praying this morning that God will give you clarity and wisdom in your finances and that as you continue to press into Christ, His grace will flow right out into your marriage.
Thank you Katie, for sharing with such truth and respect for the unsaved spouse. I’ve been saved almost 14 years and my husband is not. Of those 14 years, 12 have been spent working in ministry … and sadly I can’t tell you how many times the “unequally yoked” verse has been thrown my way. Also, the lines “we’ll pray for his salvation” or “it must be so hard, I couldn’t do it” … to “how can you work in ministry and your husband not be saved?” … I could go on and on.
For me, though – God gave me the sweetest gift just 2-ish years after I was saved …. He showed me two calendars … one was like a calendar that we follow, it made perfect sense … the other was out of order, and made no sense at all. He said to me “my timing is perfect and it may not make sense to you … and besides, he’s mine anyway, he’s not yours.” From that point, I completely surrendered my husband to God, and I chose to trust that His timing IS perfect and KNEW that I was to love him unconditionally for who he was, where he was – and that I was not to try to change him.
This of course doesn’t mean that everything is dandy and of rose colored glasses … it’s been a long hard walk and often a lonely walk … sitting by myself in service gets old, attending work events by myself gets old, serving in ministry on my own (outside of my job) gets old, explaining our situation to yet another person and enduring their reaction gets old, raising our children with differing faith perspectives gets old, watching my co-workers and friends have faith/prayer support from their spouses during times of trial gets old, and waiting with expectancy gets old … BUT GOD … I KNOW His promise, I TRUST His promise, and I BELIEVE that His love for my husband is far greater than my love for him could ever be … and that makes it all ok!
I get the honor of being the hands and feet of Jesus to him day in and day out … and some days the thought that God has entrusted him to me is pretty overwhelming – but by Gods grace and my personal relationship with Him, I am able to be the wife He has called me to be. Of course I don’t get it right all the time and I have to humbly apologize quite often. And because of my job he unfortunately sees the not so pleasant aspects of ministry through my eyes, but then he also has the privilege of seeing the beautiful gift & blessing that working in ministry is.
For those of you with unsaved spouses, I hope this is of encouragement to you – know that Gods sees you, is for you and is walking with you every step of the way!
Wow, Bri, thank you so much for taking the time to share your beautifully honest perspective. That visual of His calendar, His timeline, is just the sweetest gift – a reminder that applies to marriage and so far beyond. I’m saying a prayer for you this very morning, that God may give you renewed courage, faithfulness and focus, as you live out His love in front of your husband and all the world around you.<3
What a great affirmation and reminder. It is hard and lonely sometimes when your spouse is not a believer. I have firmly hung my hat on what is said here. The fruit of those seeds of trying to live the life laid out before us, seen and unseen, speak louder than anything we can ever say or demand. That right there makes it all worth it. We will continue to pray for those wives/husbands of those who have not yet accepted Christ that they would not lose hope and hold fast to the Biblical truths that say stay the course and follow me. Thank you for sharing!
Amen, Sky! You live this out beautifully, friend.