This is part four of my story. If you’d like to start at the beginning, you will find that over here.
Part of me wishes my story had a different ending. It would be easier to tell if I could show you how bravery won. How praying your heart out won. Hope won.
I would love to show you pictures of my now healthy and vibrant 9 year old daughter who beat the odds, who laughed in the face of modern medicine, who snubbed amniotic fluid and lung development and still found breath.
They make movies out of those stories.
These ones, they don’t get told as often. These stories are too sad. Too painful. Too much.
But that pregnancy, that baby girl, it was never too much. There were moments, days, when my finite mind and weak heart thought it was, but I was wrong. We can endure hard things.
And I choose to believe that the hard stories are every bit as beautiful; that beauty comes from ashes.
I may never understand why all of this happened, on this side of heaven, but bits of beauty still shine through even after all these years. These events, her brief life, it has changed me. And it has changed others as well.
It is important to remember that our stories, they aren’t just about us. We are part of a much greater story.
When Jochebed laid baby Moses in that pitch covered basket of reeds because there was an edict on his life, I have to think her mama heart was breaking. The months leading up to that moment, slowly breaking. But there was a greater story. I choose to believe there is always a greater story.
The other day, one of my longtime friends stepped out of her comfort zone, way out of her comfort zone and prayed for her unbelieving brother. Out loud. In front of him. She was nervous and sweating and it all felt a bit awkward. She held his hands and they began to cry together as she prayed over the house he was going to move into. There was a ton of history packed into that moment.
As she retold that story, I was amazed by her bravery in that awkward moment. I could feel the very tension she was describing when she chose brave. And I told her how proud of her I was. And then, out of nowhere, she asked me if I knew where that bravery came from.
She told me what it was like to have her friend lose a baby almost 9 years ago. She told me of how many heartbreaking and awkward moments there were in the weeks and months that followed. When you don’t know what to say or what to do or how to help. She told how she chose to step back, to give space, but she regretted in it. She hated that decision and in the years that followed she committed to never pulling away from the hard again. She would lean in, even when it’s awkward and uncomfortable. And that moment of praying for her brother? That’s exactly what she did.
That is beauty from ashes, right there. My story, it’s not fully my own. There is so much else going on there. So much that He is doing that I am completely unaware of. And occasionally, I get the gift of seeing pieces of it, even years later. That is grace. And it is so very good for my heart.
I have no intention of over-dramatizing my story. I know of so many people who have endured hardship far greater than this. But hard is still hard. And it’s doable. Hard things are doable.
In the days and weeks that followed our loss, I tried to navigate grief with little to no experience. You know by now, I had no plan for this. Who does? For my husband, the memorial service of his daughter, his baby girl, was the first memorial he had been to. Ever. Navigate that.
I chose to pull away a bit. I needed to process, alone. I pushed away family, hid from friends and avoided the public. The weight of one more sympathetic look, one more hug that brought tears in the grocery store, felt unbearable.
I wish there was a formula for how to do this beautifully. I’ve been asked dozens of times, what words could help someone’s grieving friend and I wish I had answers.
Having been there I feel like I should have some inside track, some three step approach to give healing and life and make it all better. But words alone can’t do that. Just be there, be authentic. If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. In the thick of it, I actually felt sorry for the people who didn’t know what to say. I wished I could make it less awkward for them, and for me. We were the blind leading the blind, just trying to work through this mess together.
Be brave, lean in. Even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy, be brave.
So why this story? Why tell it? Why now? Believe me, I’ve asked myself that question more than once in writing this series.
First and foremost, this is what obedience looks like for me right now. But even so, I believe in the power of story. Stories connect and ignite and make us feel a little less alone. Stories teach lessons in a way nothing else can, open a door that might otherwise never be open.
God uses story. The Bible is full of them – from the patriarchs to parables, it’s obvious that God knew stories resonate.
And, ultimately, it is what I have. What we all have. A life lived for His glory is always worth sharing. Every part, even the seemingly ugly parts, are marked with His fingerprints and if we are brave enough to offer that to others there is no doubt that He will be glorified.
A few months after losing Alison my husband and I decided to try and have another baby. Except, we couldn’t. Month after month after month, we couldn’t conceive. We tried for a year before we were able to see two pink lines on a stick and I cannot tell you how grateful I was for that pregnancy when it finally came, an appreciation I had no clue about when I easily got pregnant with my first baby.
I gave birth, of course, to a healthy baby girl. And two years later I become pregnant with another little girl. And 2 years later, a boy. All healthy pregnancies, easy deliveries. Grace.
Ten years ago I had no idea this would be my story. The day before it all began, I had no idea. And at the same time, none of us know what our stories will be like ten years from now. Or tomorrow. We make plans. Sure we do. But we aren’t guaranteed another day with our children, with our families.
These rough patches in life, they are going to come. There are times when trials are going to rain down and it will feel as if the sacred has absolutely been torn from your life. And in those moments you will have the choice to shake your fist at heaven, to let the flood overwhelm you or to pause a second, steady yourself, and make up your mind to fight. To live gratitude, to choose brave.
May we always choose brave. <3
Thanks for sharing your story! Even after all these years your words bring comfort to my soul. I was just introduced to your site today and I read your whole story.
I too have expierenced the loss of child.
We had 2 girls and were expecting our 3rd child. At 22 weeks on December 13, 2008, our still born son was delivered. At the time three of my close friends were pregnant as well and all of us were due within a few weeks of each other. Two of them said they couldn’t attend the grave side service because it was too hard for them. One friend, incidentally named Katie chose to do brave. I still remember her trapsing through the the cold, muddy, uneven ground of the cemetery in a December rain to be by my side..
I wanted nothing more then to become pregnant again right away. It also took one full year. I found out I was pregnant again one year to the date of the day we buried our son. God blessed us with another beautiful girl and again a year after that with an un planned pregnancy resulting in the birth of another darling daughter.
God is good! You have a beautiful family. Thanks so much!
Wow, so many similarities, Amber. Time does heal wounds, but it’s amazing how crystal clear some of those memories remain, isn’t it? Love is sacrificial. Your friend, Katie, lived that when you needed it most and it is such a poignant reminder to me, even today. We don’t even realize how much our small acts of love, of sacrifice, might mean to someone in their moment of grief. It is so important for us not to just THINK of kind acts, but to DO them. Thank you for sharing your story with me as well, Amber. I am rejoicing with you (and all those girls of yours!) that God truly is good. <3
Thank you for sharing your story and for choosing brave, you are amazing!
Like u said we all have our stories. Mine was having a 4th degree tear to give birth to my second daughter, for everything I prayed and believed God for during d course of the nine months the opposite happened except of course for holding my healthy baby in my hand. 4th degree tear, forceps to bring d baby out, using a catheter, stitches, episiotomy and one episode of incontinence after being discharged. I really wanted to raise my fist @ God but when I look at my bundle of joy and d fact am alive am grateful to God for being faithful and I trust God I will go on and have a supernatural delivery next time.
Amidst reading your story with tears I can only thank God for being a faithful father.
So glad for the day I found your blog, God bless you and your beautiful family. I will forever choose BRAVE.
What a challenge. Caring for a newborn can be hard enough, let alone when we are feeling barely pieced together. It’s amazing all of the different trials that can test and grow our faith. Isn’t it? Forever choosing brave right along with you. <3
I don’t really have words. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.
My pleasure, Bethany. Thank you for reading.
My sweet little angel would have been 11 this October 22. Never knowing if it was a girl or boy I loved that baby dearly just the few weeks I was pregnant. However I am most grateful for my 2 boys I have. They mean the world to me. As much as I would have loved to have had more God has given me plenty to be thankful for. Plus with the added bonus of seeing my beautiful baby in heaven one day for the very first time ever.
Ah, I will be rejoicing there with you, Catherine. What a gift that you have chosen to be thankful even through the hard parts. <3
Thank you for sharing your story of God’s loving care through your hard time. My hard time looked different than yours, but the same loving Heavenly Father wrapped me in His arms, gave me endurance, and never left me to wander lost and alone. Today I can say with sincere certainty that He loves us beyond anything we can describe, and He’s always with us to guide and strengthen.
We love Him… ’cause He loved us first.
Amen, Jolene. We all have a story, don’t we? And through it all, as hard as it is, we see Him and know Him like never before. I am so thankful for that.
This is beautiful… How you let God use even the toughest time of your life for His glory. Beautiful. I cried “ugly” and moaned for your hurting heart as I felt so deeply the weight of your words being spoken right to my heart. Thank you for sharing and giving me the courage to be brave in the tough times I find myself in. God is doing a mighty work through your story!
Thank you for being willing to walk the hard with me, Brooke. It’s not a fun story to live or to read, but beauty from ashes looks like offering it all up to be used for His glory, even the not so pretty parts. I sure appreciate your kind words!
I needed this today. Thank you for sharing your story. My husband has survived cancer twice and his numbers are now up again. Tomorrow we go for another procedure to help determine what is going on and what course of treatment is available to us. You are so right, days can be hard, life can be hard, but tomorrow I will be strong, be brave and know that God is in control and will direct our steps.
Kathleen, choosing brave is always easier when the mountains are in the distance, but when they are right in front of you it’s a whole different story. You are in the thick of it and still choosing it, still believing God; you are an inspiration. Please know that I am praying for you and your husband tonight – praying that today went well, that you will have strength for whatever tomorrow holds and that you will always know Who holds tomorrow. <3
Thank you Katie for your graceful words, I will continue to pray. God Bless. Thank you for your prayers.
I just lost my son at 22 weeks, and delivered him to the arms of Jesus. It was totally unexpected, everything had been routine until that day. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have not been brave, not at all actually. I have been as you said shaking my fist at God and screaming at him as to why he allowed this to happen to me. Your words have encouraged me to lower my fist and raise my heart. Thank you
Tiffany, I’m so sorry. Each time I hear of another woman going through a similar trial, I remember the feelings so clearly. Be patient with your grieving heart. It takes time and God gets it. I know He does. It takes a brave faith to be able to say – I don’t understand this, God, but I know you are good – when everything you are feeling tells you otherwise. Keep pressing in one day, one hour, at a time. I’m praying you today and remembering your little boy. <3
I read your story and cried. I have six beautiful children with never a difficult pregnancy. However when I was pregnant with number 3 two of my very dear friends lost their babies who prayed so desperately for those little ones. I pulled away because I felt guilty of having my baby still. Both of my precious friends pulled me back in and we grieved together.
Your story reminds me of that hard year and how very much God loves us. Thank you for sharing!
What a courageous journey, Christy. It’s hard place to be, on either side of this coin – the hurting and the hurting for. I’m so glad your friends pulled you in and you were able to journey through the hard together. It’s awkward and sometimes there are no words, but it’s a beautiful struggle that makes for some strong and enduring friendships. I’m so thankful for the friends who endured the awkward and hard with me. Thank you for reading. <3
Thank you so much for your story. At first, it was very similar to my experience earlier this year. I thought I was having a miscarriage and went through quite a lot for almost a month. Then an ultrasound found a heartbeat. But it wasn’t good. I had lost one baby, but there was still one left, only it wasn’t in the womb. A very rare and very dangerous pregnancy. My family almost lost me, twice. The doctors were at a loss at how to treat me because it was such a rare and delicate situation. They ended up removing the remaining baby to save my life, and I was told I could never get pregnant again because of the state of my uterus and the dangerous implications of another such pregnancy. We were devastated. We wanted just one more baby and could have had twins! My boys had been asking for years for a baby sister. But I’ve spent a long time on my knees and have come to realize the blessings I have in my life and because of our whole ordeal. I am so thankful to have two beautiful boys to raise. I am so blessed to still be here to raise them! I have been able to be a help to friends who have questions about their pregnancies and family planning.
And I appreciate your words of how to be brave. A friend lost her husband recently and, like you said, I should know some three-step solution for how to help but there’s no such thing. No words. But I know I need to be brave even when it’s messy. Thank you.
Oh, Kaly, your story took me right back to those hard moments. There have been so many miles since I’ve been there, yet the memories are often just under the surface. Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story and for trusting God to use it all for His glory. That is a hard fought trusting, I know, but He is always, always faithful. Wishing you the very best. <3
I too, just read all parts in one sitting…it was an intriguing story and I had to know how it ended. I am so sorry that things did not go as planned. It’s hard when they don’t. Remembering that God has so much more in store for us is hard to comprehend in that moment. Thank you for being brave in telling your story and in sharing so much of yourself. I have stories of grace to share as well and I know when I finally sit down, brave enough to share, I’ll think of you and your story. May God continue to bless you and your precious family.
Thank you so much for your comments, Laura. I would love to hear your story of grace someday as well.
Hi Katie~ I just read your story. Wow. I think I am one of those people who don’t know what to say. Except.. Thank You for being brave enough to share. I’m sure this is a chapter in your life that you did not want to rewrite. But, I know you will be blessed for your obedience and you will impact thousands. Praying for peace and blessings on your family. 🙂
You are right, Ciara, the re-writing was not easy. But at the same time, remembering God’s grace and how far He has brought our little family is something worth re-visiting, even if it is hard. Thank you so much for your kind words!
Katie, just read your story. It’s heavy and yet hopeful. Feeling the weight of it now, but I think the older I get, as much as I want to resist it, I know we can do hard things. That’s one of the only conclusions I can come to, along with, ‘We are never alone’. It’s weird how the older ones among us will tell us these things, but we could never know for sure until we walk the path. Thank you for sharing this. I know it takes courage, but I guess you’re all about that. 🙂
Thank you, Sarah. I sure wish there was a way we could learn from the olders without actually having to walk that path. I’d take that shortcut, if I could. 🙂 But I agree, these tough lessons do teach us that we can do hard things and that He will hold our hand through every step.
THANK YOU!my husband and I are experiencing a great loss and heartbreak right now. I’ve felt strong for the first few days but last night and this morning I have felt the hope leave me. Your words have been used by God to remind me to stay brave and never give up hope! Beauty for ashes! Thank you!
I appreciate you letting me know that, Cassandra. What a blessing to get to play even the littlest part in what He is doing. Saying a prayer for you and your husband today. Brave is a journey, not a destination; keep fighting!
I just read all four parts in one sitting. Love you sweet sister. Love your faithfulness, obedience, and bravery. Love that you see that your story brings Him glory. He did not give us a Spirit of fear but love, power, self-discipline…and bravery. ❤️
Coming from one of my ever-brave mentors, that means so much. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story, Katie.
Love the Dogwood flowers. I didn’t make the connection until just now. I have a beautiful pink rosebush that I call my “Alison” rosebush. They are the flowers that we take every year to adorn her grave. Love, love the pictures of my beautiful grandchildren. God is indeed good!!!
I really enjoyed reading your story Katie. Thanks for being so brave in telling it. Although not quite like your story I too loss a pregnancy due to miscarriage before I was finally able to have my 5 children. It was a early loss so I had no idea if it was a boy/girl. I am sure your story will bring healing to a lot of people out there that may have gone or are going through something like that. Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for reading, Erin! It’s interesting how many people have or know of similar stories. You never hear much about it until you are willing to talk about it.
I have been praying for you as you finish this, been waiting for those brightly colored flowers to show up on my screen. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and humbly. Well done!
Now come visit me so I can give you a proper hug!!
I love that you knew they were coming! Those flowers are kind of special. Some friends gave us a Dogwood in Alison’s memory. That tree had to stay at the old house but we planted a Dogwood at the new house this spring. We refuse to own a house without an Alison tree. 🙂 And thank you. Your prayers mean so much, Leanne.